Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Holy shit have I been remiss in posting, though I suspect most blogs have been a little low-key around the holidays. I have had no access to computers and have been traveling quite a bit! I did another show in Amsterdam at the Comedy Cafe (the link in the title of the post below works now - sorry!) and also took a trip to Delft where I saw several important dead people. Fantastic.

Speaking of dead people (HEY!...) No, but seriously, I don't know how much coverage the Tsunami is getting in the States, but here we are getting LOTS of it and man is it verschrikkelijk (awful.) 135,000. I can't believe it. It is so bad, and I feel like the people are not getting the help they need.

I know from reading the Dutch papers that Bush was pissed about how little the EU has given to the relief effort, and for once, I agree with him. That is truly bullshit since Europeans have a real relationship with Southeast Asia as (a) it's a popular vacation spot for people here and (b) many of the countries are former colonies... Hello?... I hope it gets better there soon. A lot of buitenlanders (foreigners) have decided to stay there and drink in the poor inwoners (residents) faces. Dude, I like a good time as much as anybody else, but I'm not gonna down a bottle of Wild Turkey in front of an alcoholic...

Anyway, y'all, my time is running out. I hope everyone has a great New Year and that all your dreams come true in 2005! To quote my friend Ben Cheney... "Except the one about the Filipino cabana boy and the Bengal Tiger."

PEACE!

ckc

Amster-DAMN!

Hey, y'all! I'm here in Holland (where my hubby is from) visiting his family. It's great. (Except for the fact that I'm typing on a retarded outdoor internet kiosk thing and the keyboard sucks - but hey - I'm in Holland! Who cares?!) I did a set the other night at the Comedy Cafe in Amsterdam - click the link in the title to visit their site. It was great. One of the comics I met was like "You have to come back!" So, I'm gonna try to go back next week. It's really fun to play to an audience who doesn't understand every word you're saying because you just have to be funny (as opposed to getting away with just saying funny things.) At any rate - they were very impressed with my Dutch (not!) but they liked me anyway. (Kinda like my mother-in-law...)

It's Kerstavond - Christmas Eve. We are going to mass tonight at Maria ter Zee Kerk here in Noordwijk. (See - who knew my blog would become a Dutch textbook?) You haven't lived until you've sat through an hour long Catholic Mass in another language. Ah, bliss.

Let me try to catch you up on the days I've been without a computer... Well, first of all, I wanted to tell you that Christian Slater is also working in London right now in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I knew he'd come back! That movie where he was the radio pirate - what was it called?... Anyway - he was great in that. And "Heathers?" Come on!

Okay - "Jerry Springer- the Opera." It was good. Not great - but good. I thought the jokes were very funny - but the whole show would have been funnier if the cast had more energy. There was one girl who I thought was great, though. She was a really big girl and they dressed her all in leather and she sang about how she wanted to be a pole dancer. She had an amazingly huge belt and it was perfect. She kept singing, "Talk to the Ass!" I'm definitely gonna put that one in my repertoire the next time I'm confronted by throngs of angry white trash.

Outside of the trip to Amsterdam, Holland has been pretty low-key so far. Just hanging out met de familie, mostly. People smoke like hell here, man. It's crazy. I think I have cancer.

Okay - cancer is not funny. I know that. But I seriously cannot take it anymore. Smoke is coming out of my pores! I know everyone bitches about the fact that you can't smoke in New York, but now I sort of know why. If you wanna quit, just go on vacation in Europe - you'll be so sick of smoke, you'll quit.

Alright - I can hardly think cuz there is this wickedly loud organ grinder right outside this winkel that I'm in and it is driving me crazy! Oh sure - now that my time is almost up he's leaving. Great...

Okay dan, doei! Tot straks! Tot ziens! Dag! Hoi! IK BEN UIT!

American College Students Eating at Pret a Manger Love Me!

Boy, let me tell you - was I on a roll with some college kids from University of Denver! Sure, I gave them a free show and there was no mic cuz we were sitting outside of Pret a Manger in South Kensington - but so what?! They loved my pot stories...

Mom, if you're reading this (and I know you are) I NEVER SMOKED POT. I JUST HAVE A REALLY GOOD IMAGINATION.

Anyway - oh my God - what did we do today?! First off, WE GOT OUR LUGGAGE LAST NIGHT!!! When I saw it, I said, "Thank ya, Jesus!" and I swear to God I saw the concierge roll his eyes with disgust. And rightfully so, since they actually believe in SCIENCE here... we went to the Natural History Museum and they have an entire WING devoted to Darwin. Hello, Arkansas? Can you hear me?... It's Reason calling... Logic is on hold and wants to speak to you...

Not everyone here is atheist, though (and not that they should be, but that whole separation of church and state thing isn't bad...) Apparently someone was so offended by the celebrity nativity at Madame Tussaud's that they chopped Posh and David Beckham's heads off! That is pretty hilarious if you ask me...

By the way - I wanted to say that (re my post yesterday) drunk people falling into the tube and getting hurt isn't hilarious. The fact that the government has to tell people not to get drunk and fall into the tube is pretty funny, though.

At any rate, the National History Museum was great - a big dinosaur wing, a HUGE blue whale, elephants, etc. Then we went basically next door to the Victoria and Albert Museum - HOT! They have the most amazing chandelier in the entire world right in the entry way - I almost died. Everything they had there was unbelievable and truly beyond words. I will post the pictures eventually...

Speaking of pictures, we have like one minute of battery left on our camera because the adapter doesn't work here even though the book said it would. Grr... We will buy an adapter in Holland and trudge onward...

What else?! There is so much to tell you and so little time! Frankly - we went to Harrods. Now, I thought this was going to be fantastic, and it was in a way, but going to Harrods the week before Christmas is like committing suicide twice. I should have known it would have been mobbed because Macy's is always a horror scene around this time of year, but I figured, what the hell... plus, I had to get my girls Jodi and April some gifts. (I would say who's psyched about Christmas presents now but I know they never read my blog... bastards!) ;) I also got something nice for my brother Mikie - ticking the loved ones off one by one here in the land of "the dollar can lick my balls." Everything is twice the price here, yo, and that is NOT HOT!

Finally, I want to say that people unabashedly burp their faces off here and it's really quite gross. Everywhere we go people just let one fly like it's like saying "Thank you - that was HOT." Also, there are Dutch people EVERYWHERE and this is really freaking me out! My husband is Dutch and it is all just too weird. It's just making me laugh now, though. It's kinda good cuz I can get used to listening to consonants and phlegm before I actually get to Holland.

Alright - we are in a rush - off to see Jerry! PEACE!

One more thing...

Apparently public drunkenness is such a problem here, they have ads in the tube saying that alcohol results in 900 something train accidents a year and to "be careful after a few drinks." That is hilarious. Also, I just want to stress that I really did see a stranger's penis last night - on Tower Bridge - walking toward me. Hot. They also have a college of innkeeping here - they are fricking serious about alcohol!

Which is good, cuz so am I. ;)

Guess who's here in London with me?...

Why, none other than Holly Hunter, Nathan Lane and Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall! They are doing shows on the West End. Now, what I want to know is, how come no one in the states is touting the fact that these stars are working here?... I think it's fantastic! What - are Gweneth and Madonna the only Americans that get to be publicly inter-continental? Oh - you should see the way they are advertising "The Aviator" over here... each poster has a close-up of one of the (mostly British, female) stars. It's interesting. They do have one for Leo, but they play it as if he has a small part or something. And of course there are lots of ads for the Bridget Jones movie featuring Renee's huge, puffy lips... I wonder if British people really like her as much as the magazines suggest?... I am starting to think she is actually cute, which is I guess what happens when you see a picture enough times. And thank God there are GAP ads all over the double decker busses here because I would not want to go a single day without having SJP ask me How I Give It...

I am writing you now from the West End/Soho/Piccadilly Circus area - very much like Times Square. I feel like a tourist. I am in an easy internet cafe/Burger King. Hot. We just came from the National Gallery, though, and I saw Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square and Big Ben/Parliament today, so that was good. It felt very regal and right. I bought my mother a little gift from Buckingham Palace... (Hello?! Who's excited for Christmas presents now?!...) We also went to Westminster Abbey - the Chapel of Henry VII is probably the most beautiful room in the world. I took lots of pictures but we are running out of room on the memory card so I am kind of freaking out! Oh - I ALSO SAW THE TOMB OF FRICKING QUEEN ELIZABETH REGINA I TODAY. I thought you should know. (Word to my peeps from the Ren Faire!) What?...

So many thoughts - I know this post is incoherent, but it's hard to capture it all. Mostly I want to say that my feet are tired and that when it rains in London, it pours. But, as they say in Chekhov, it's all good...

We just booked a flight on easyjet.com from London to Amsterdam for uber-cheap! Does it scare me that the same company that runs the internet cafe runs an airline? Kinda, but let's not discuss it. Over here, countries are like states. It's easy to get around, which is great.

Oh - more good news - we are supposedly going to be greeted by our LUGGAGE when we get back to the hotel. That is hot. (I love how international travel has turned me into a fat Paris Hilton...)
We are off to a pub or something to eat and drink the night away. Tomorrow night we are seeing "Jerry Springer the Opera." Psyched! I will give a full report. My session is ending! I'm out! Happy Christmas, y'all!

London Bridge is NOT Falling Down.

Greetings from the Mother Country! Here I am in London, England, BLOGGING... (Oh my God how sad is that?) I just couldn't wait to tell all you guys about my trip, so here goes...

First off, I would like to say that this post is like five posts that I have been writing in my mind over the course of the last two days all rolled into one. The first post was to be called:

$300 AUDITION (and it goes a little something like this...)

A big Thank You to Dave "I'm rich, biatch!" Chappelle for giving me the chance to audition for a promo for his show. However, since I chose to wait around to find out if I got it, I purposely did not take the Syracuse to Philly leg of my international flight (cuz I thought I could just meet up with my hubby in Philly) but when he got to the airport he was informed that if I didn't get on the plane, my ticket would be cancelled. So! After a half hour of turmoil (including being on hold for 12 minutes after speaking to a raving lunatic) I finally got my ticket reissued from just Philly to Amsterdam for $328 extra plus $20 cab fare in NYC, $18 bus fare to Philly and another $25 cab fare from the bus to the airport. HOT! Thank you, Dave Chappelle, for the $300 audition. (Dave, if you're reading this, and I know you are, I know you really had nothing to do with any of this and I had a great time auditioning and I still think we will work together some day, I just have to be pissy and name drop cuz it is part of my carefully crafted "persona.") Right.

End of post 1 created in my mind last night on the plane.

Now, the good news is, before I even got on the plane, US Airways asked for volunteers cuz they oversold and they not only let us switch flights but they also gave us a direct flight to London which is where we were going anyway! HOT! But, of course, there's bad news, too.

They lost our luggage.

Oh yes - that is correct. You are being typed at by one Carolyn Castiglia sans clean underwear.

Need I say that that is HOT?!...

So, we went for a walk tonight (after a four hour nap) and found Marks & Spencer (a name drop for all you Brit-Chick-Lit fans...) where we bought undies and Mark got some socks. I wasn't able to get any socks there, because apparently British women don't wear socks. They must either only wear stockings, or darn their own. HOT. I did, however, find some socks at the good old American retail mecca the GAP - and thank God we found one of those, too, because I think it had been over 24 hours since I saw Sarah Jessica Parker's face! Sarah, if you're reading this (and I know you are) please get me one of those sparkly scarves for Christmas. I can't afford it after having to spend £50 on a new outift. (That is $100 smackers US, people?! God obviously does not want me to eat.)

Anyway - I'm running out of time here at the old hotel internet kiosk. The point of the story is, we went to Tower Bridge tonight and it is HOT! London Bridge is, as I mentioned, certainly not falling down, but the drunks on top of it were. The public drunkenness here is hilarious!

I SAW A STRANGER'S PENIS!!!

More tomorrow...

Love, Carolyn

STOP! Hammer Time...

Okay, Dave... so you're not 28. You're 31. I just read that in an article on davechappelle.com. BUT - on the Chapelle's Show page on comedycentral.com it says you're 28. Unless I'm crazy. Which may mean that I'm not 28, either. Who knows?!

BUT - guess what else I found out?! You're married - I'm married... You've got 2 kids, I've got 2 cats... it is still meant to be! Yes!

Okay, I'm gonna let it go now. "Let it Be," if you will. Cuz I know, no matter what happens, we are like the yin-yang, Dave Chappelle and I.

Namaste, Biatch! I'm out!

I love you, Mr. Chappelle...

Just auditioned for a promo for Chappelle's Show. It was awesome. If you have a hopeful bone in your body, pray that I get this...

Dave, if you're reading this (and I know you are) please pick me for this promo. I am funny and I think our skin tones will go perfectly together. "Ebony and Ivory, go together like perfect harmony, side by side on my piano, Hee Boy, Ho Boy, Why don't we?!..."

Are those the words?... I think I was 4 when that song came out. I question the "Hee Boy, Ho Boy" interpretation as a result, but still, that's a cool song.

Anyway, Dave, I just found out we are the SAME AGE (!) so this is like totally perfect. You're 28, I'm 28... you've got a successful show on the best network on TV, I've got a TV... it was meant to be!

See ya soon (I hope!)
- ckc

p.s. - I love a man who appreciates a good paper towel. Meow!

Cute as a button...

Okay guys, this is the third time I am trying to post this post because I am home today and on a very retarded MAC (yeah - I called a MAC retarded - whachu gonna do about it, dork?!) Okay, I didn't mean that. I love dorks. Really. I have a watch that says that and everything. I am just a little upset because I lost the first version of the post. I thought, "Fine, I'll start over and make it even better." So I did, and the second version of this post was great, fantastic, spell checked, I had a wonderful prom reference in there, but whatever, fine, it's gone. All I tried to do was put two words in italics and then *boom* the whole thing disappeared. I have to write my posts from home on the MAC in HTML mode and I am too much of an idiot to do that, apparently. I don't hate blogger - I blame it on myself.

The only thing that could make my day better is you knowing that the "Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar" pins are not a joke, okay? They're not. Click the title of this post and buy one, okay?...

I know this is not fair to you guys. This post sucks, and I'm really, really sorry. After I catch my breath I will go back and recreate my great prom analogy and all will be right with the world.

Note to self: do not try to do any "fancy formatting" with this post Carolyn because if you do you will lose it and your mind.

Thank you for your patience.

Love, Carolyn

Here goes...

Since the last post sucked, and did not convey the meaning I wanted it to convey, I will now try to recreate the former fabulous version of said post (which I will not delete because I am all about truth in advertising.)

Guys, some people have told me they thought the "Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar" pins are a joke. They are not. Click the title of the post (below this one - ha!) to see the actual pin, actually for sale.

Now, I don't necessarily expect anyone to actually buy (Oh My God - those are the two words I tried to italicize - I'm scared! Anyway...) a pin. Just knowing that it exists makes me feel good. Knowing that my pin might accidentally stick someone as they try to put my face on their shirt or their denim jacket and knowing that stick might remind them of the time they were getting ready for the prom and Billy shoved their corsage on just a little too forcefully and even though it hurt a little bit it proved that Billy was a man and not gay like everyone thought makes me feel good.

(Okay, I will pause here in this "recreation" because I do not want anyone to think I think gay men are not real men because they are. See, this is what happens when you try to recreate something perfect - it becomes imperfect. I want you all to know you are witnessing the struggle of art right here. Thank you.)

It makes me feel good knowing that my face might get all scratchy as my pin gets accidentally brushed up against the metal pole in the subway from being worn on the front pocket of someone's backpack. It makes me feel good knowing that someone might display my pin on their bulletin board as a reminder of all things kitschy in life. (Okay, that doesn't make me feel good, but neither does recreating this post, so hey. All's fair in love and self-promotion.)

Anyway, it's not like you've never thrown $1.50 away on something stupid before. And this something stupid just might change my life! And even if it doesn't, think about what a great conversation piece you'll have:

"Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar." Who's that?

"I don't know. Isn't that the whole point?"

"Hmm. Wanna go eat something?"

And there you are, off on a date with someone cute all because of me!

Just don't get the combo fajitas. Too messy.

I'm just tryin' to make the world a better place, guys. Seriously.

AND SCENE!

Oh my God - you guys are the best friends a girl could ever have. I feel like you totally went on that crazy MAC-f-up journey with me just now. And I love you for that. Hey - how 'bout a pin?! As a token of my gratitude. No, seriously! It's free. Oh, you don't want one now? No, that's cool. I know, just reading about it makes you feel like you own one. That's how I feel about Dior bags. It's cool. I understand. See ya later! (I hope?...)

I don't wanna be...

I don't need to be anything other than a carpenter's adopted daughter.
I don't need to be anything other than a Purchasing Agent's daughter.
I don't have to be anyone other than the bastard of my biological father.
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I been tryin' to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms,
wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be.
I don't wanna be anything other than me...

Except a full time working performer who gets rave reviews and mad cash.

So! Get your very own Carolyn Castiglia - Undiscovered Superstar pins at Cafe Press and help me not be anyone but the superstar I am!

To get your pin for the super-low price of $1.50, please use discount code: M-O-D-E-S-T.

Thank you.

My green hat and scarf...

Okay, for all you hard-core readers out there (Ellen, Eric, Katie, Renee) I told you I would post it, so here it is. A picture of my green hat and scarf, handmade by Mom. (Note how I expose myself to you fashion mavens who would criticize me for still rocking the green/pink combo. I am a REBEL!)

Mark is also sporting a handmade scarf. It's black and brown so it's hard to see. He couldn't wear the hat because it made him look like an elf on a fishing trip.

Thanks, Mom! Keep on Knitting in the Free World!

Oh Happy Day!

Well, it's been a long time since I've posted about my "show life," (I haven't done that since I used to keep my blog on my website, actually...) but this week has been such a good one I thought I'd tell you all about it...

First off, on Monday, I went to see my friends in the Mintyfresh show at the Duplex. Everyone was incredible and I was thoroughly entertained. Then Tuesday I was in the Mintyfresh show at the Duplex, which was really wonderful because it was a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. We collected $500 between the two nights! I was not only proud to be performing for such a good cause, but I was also thrilled to be making the magic happen with some of my best friends and the most truly gifted performers I know. Everyone was hilarious and a good time was had by all who attended.

Last night I was at Sin Sin (where else?) at the Comedy Social. Our audience was slim in number but big in heart. (Okay, two people were there outside of the comics, but they really loved everybody. And by loved everybody, I mean asked everyone to sleep with them. But I digress...) I tried out some new material about the state of the world today, my fat gut and my aging mother-in-law. Trite topics perhaps (Jackie Gleason, anyone?) but brilliant nonetheless. ;) (Ha! Did I just call myself brilliant? Wow. I must be feeling thin today.)

No, I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm just sayin' it feels good to do good and when you can do that with your friends around you, life is like a big peach pie with a vat of vanilla ice cream on top.

Vat. "I said it!" (That's my Michelle Buteau impression. It's hard to tell over the internet.)

I'm not tryin' to be all "insider" today, which is why I don't write about my shows anymore, so all my fans in Kansas can relate. But I just thought the world should know, for once I am happy. For once I am content.

Now could somebody turn up the heat in here?! I'm freezing! And what about lunch? Is there no free lunch? When's the beer cart coming out, huh? Huh?!

Peace out, y'all...
ckc

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No wonder I'm tired?! Click the title of the post to try your name...

301 301 301

300 visitors... 2 months to the day since I've been counting... one place for the best inner-monologue on the net! Carolyn Castiglia: Undiscovered Superstar.

Thank you, pulsating masses, for your joyful imbibing of my emotional spew.

(Translation: "Mom, I'm so glad you paid your friends to read this! It's really working out!")

Oh, blog!

Blog, blog, blog. It's all about you, isn't it? You demand so much of me everyday... "Be funny, Carolyn." "Be creative, be clever!" I'm sick of you, blog! What if I have nothing to say, huh?

Just don't write anything, then.

Oh, figures you'd say that. Everything is so easy for you, isn't it? You're just a little web page - no worries, no issues... no personality.

That's not true, Carolyn. I do have a personality. If I didn't have a personality, how could I talk to you?

But you're not talking to me. I'm talking to me pretending to be you so it doesn't seem so retarded.

Oh, Carolyn. Now that's where you're wrong. Didn't you read "Conversations with God?"

No.

It'll change your life...

I know! Okay! Every hippie I know has read that book! Who cares? Eating granola every day is not a change I want to make.

It might help you lose weight...

I doubt it. Granola is full of fat. But thanks.

You're welcome.

Oh, is that how it is? Even when I give you attitude you respond to me with a calm and even tone?

Yes. Why not?

Oh - touche! Good point! I mean, I guess I'd be calm and even too if I didn't really do anything in life, had no job, no kids to feed...

You don't have any kids to feed.

I HAVE CATS, OKAY?! CATS. And they need food, too.

You're right.

You know what? This conversation sucks. I'm gonna go talk to a real person.

Like Ellen DeGeneres or Eric Stoltz?...

(silence)

That was such a low blow, blog. You are dead to me.

Okay, now that I feel better...

Let me just say that I had a wonderful time last night celebrating Sinterklass with my hubby and a small handful of friends. I learned that providing crayons and coloring pages is a fantastic addition to any party and that Taboo, when played for points, is a sport worthy of wearing a helmet. I also learned that it's nice sometimes to ask other people to bring soup to your party because then you don't really have to cook, yet everyone gets to eat. Their soup plus your cheese and crackers doth a swanky soiree make!

Oh, and alcohol is good too.

I hate everything right now...

Why is it that some people have to be such bitches?! Seriously. Like, it's not just like this person that's on my mind now is just like a little rude, or slightly annoying, this person is a full on skank-who-ah, and I just can't stand it.

Thank you, blog. You are always such a good listener! Soooo not judgmental, and you never make me name names. I love you.

ckc

Finished watching "Stepford Wives..."

...and boy was I wrong to be charmed! The first half of the movie was fun if not funny, but the second half was all over the place! The scene with Bette Midler appearing for the first time as a robot could have been so much funnier (writing-wise), and Matthew Broderick is still Ferris, isn't he? He's an older, pudgier Ferris. (Okay, I'm sure he was good in The Producers, but my broke-ass still hasn't seen it yet.)

The twist at the end was interesting, but if the goal was a comic remake of the original horror, they really missed the mark! The original is sooooo scary, you really freak out by the time she sees Bobby in the kitchen (that scene kicks ass!) Then, when she gets to the Men's Association and she's looking for the kids and she gets trapped! Oooooh! But that scene in the remake was pathetic - including a lame joke at the expense of AOL. (Okay, I laughed, but still...) I guess I expected the comic version to be as funny as the original was scary.

I'll say this: if you're interested in feminism at all, get together with some of your like-minded, hairy girlfriends and watch both movies back to back. I watched both movies with the same set of people, and even though we weren't outraged by the second one like a lot of grrls were, we agreed that it is a little insulting in that it completely disregards the first film's attempt at really examining the relationship between men and women in the second wave.

But, it was fabulous that there was a gay couple in the new one. The "wife" was funny! Mmm... I heart gay men! Yowza!

I still respect and admire Glenn Close, but she really has a thing for those Sunset Boulevard/Cruella DeVille crazy lady moments. Her tantrum at the end was scary. Not as in, "Wow, I'm scared," scary; as in "What the f is she doing?!" scary. My friend Jodi called it a "Scooby Doo" ending. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"

Bottom line: interesting movie, definitely worth watching, don't expect a lot and you'll have a good time.

Kinda like this blog post.

THANK YOU - GOODNIGHT!
ckc

Special Thanks to Kelly Clarkson For:

...still having a big ass and thighs even though you "got skinny..."

...singing LIVE, on television, at 8:30 in the morning, no less...

...doing smudgy black lids in a way that doesn't say "I just got off a three day bender and haven't washed this eye makeup off in three years..."

...not immediately shouting "THANK YOU! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!" at the end of your song in a chirpy Disney voice that is supposed to prove that a) you actually sang live, b) you "love" your fans and c) you're still a virgin because you smile after shoving your pussy in some 12 year old girl's face.

...not shoving your pussy in some 12 year old girl's face.

Kelly Clarkson - YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL!!!

Kelly, if you're reading this (and I know you are), now that I've lavished you with all this praise, just one thing. The song was a little too Avril-esque for my taste, though your belt is considerably more impressive than hers. (Sorry, Avril, I love ya, but she's older than you and you're kind of a poseur.)

Keep up the good work, Kelly! I hope we can make "From Carolyn to Kelly" real soon!

Love, your "big sis" in the biz,
Carolyn

Ooh! p.s.

Did anyone see Jessica Simpson sing at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting last night? Is she some kind of blond, screeching dinosaur from the prehistoric ages? That mouth is fricking ridiculous! ('Dick' being the operative.) It's clear she's good at pleasing people orally, but aurally? Not so much. But, what else is new? Why don't they hire Broadway singers to do the Christmas tree lighting? (Ratings, I know. But still... it would be much more family-oriented and fun.) Or at least get really good bands or something. I can't take these retarded teens anymore!!! And did you see the way her husband introduced her? He was like, "I know, people... I live with her."

Hillary Duff seemed like she was at the tail end of a three day bender and hadn't washed her eye makeup off in three years... "We're here at the tree lighting and we're so happy to be here." Her mouth said it, but her voice just didn't believe it.

The tree itself was hot, though. It's pretty amazing that they do that every year. The Rockefellers were actually quite philanthropic, for greedy capitalists, anyway.

Oh - okay - one more bitch and then I am out. What about the cast of ER leaving their hospital in Chicago (which is really in LA) to walk out the door to Rockefeller Center?... WHAT?! Thank God that show's ending this year. Poor Noah Wyle. "The Librarian." Looks almost as good as "Blast from the Past." If only they show it as many times...

Oh, alright - one more thing! (But it's positive...) Bette Midler is hilarious in the new "Stepford Wives." We only watched the first half, so I will make a final comment when I see the rest. I love her. She's a Sagittarius...

I heart Glenn Close as well.

The End.

(I know I'm being a Negative Nancy today, and I was feeling a little bad about being so critical - in case Jessica or Hillary are reading - and if so, Hi girls - email me, I know a really good voice teacher! Anyway, the point is, I have no problem giving it up to "beautiful people" that are seriously talented, but I guess I pretty much feel that talent IS beauty, so if you're "pretty" and you're a fraud I think you're ugly and if you're ugly and you're amazing then I say you go with your un-brushed teeth. Well, okay, not un-brushed teeth. But you know what I mean.)

WTF?

Dude,

Bush JUST thanked Canada for their help during 9/11?!... And I was worried about sending my birthday thank-you cards out on time...

And what is up with Tom Ridge resigning? Seriously, people... if his cronies are dropping like flies, what is going to happen next? Mark says he's accumulating an army of "Yes Men" (as if that wasn't the case before). I am scared. So very scared.

I bet it wouldn't be raining today if John Kerry was president.