Friday, August 19, 2005

Just Do It, My Ass!

When I did The Social Wednesday night, I was talking about how I plan to start my own religion because I can't seem to find an existing religion I want to raise my child with. I've been thinking about it pretty seriously, and I've decided to become the founder of Assism - a faith in which believers worship the fine human behind. (Luckily God has blessed me with my very own church.) It's nice and large so it can* seat** a lot of parishioners - partially thanks to the corporate sponsorship I've received from Applebee's and Taco Bell. I mean, who doesn't want to attend a mass where instead of crackers we eat Chalupas? Hello?!

*Can?
**Seat?
Are you kidding me? Brilliant! I'm such a punderful writer...

The Assism Mass (or Massism, for short) plans were coming along well - enter church, offer each other the ass slap of peace, eat Chalupa... but I knew if this was going to be a serious faith I needed to find a creed. Flipping through Glamour magazine the other day while on the John (Matthew, Mark and Luke were tied up - literally - they like it kinky - who knew?) I found it! Our creed. The Catholics have the Nicene, and Assism has this Nike Ad:


I think you'll find it that it really cuts to the core of my beliefs:

My butt is big

And round like the letter C

And ten thousand lunges

Have made it rounder

But not smaller

And that's just fine.

It's a space heater

For my side of the bed

It's my ambassador

To those who walk behind me

It's a border collie

That herds skinny women

Away from the best deals

At clothing sales.

My butt is big

And that's just fine

And those who might scorn it

Are invited to kiss it.

Amen.

Now, to be fair, in the Nike Ad, it says "Just Do It" instead of "Amen." But I feel that "Just Do It" is a little too forceful. Assism is about one's personal desire to love the butt - not some dogma that you have to follow because the thought of some dude who died millennia ago makes you feel guilty about it. (I think you all know who I'm talking about - and let's face it - his ass was kinda flat.) Now, I'm not saying that the Flat Butts of the world can't get into heaven - it's just that they might have to work a little harder - that's all. That's why we offer purgatory training camp!

"I'm Hanz and I'm Franz - and we want to PLUMP (clap!) YOU UP!"

Who knew I'd be starting a religion with Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon? If somebody would have told me that 20 years ago, I'd have thought, "Who are they?" (I was only 8 and they didn't start on the show til I was 10.) Oh, comedy! You unpredictable lover! Thanks to you, I can raise my child right!

Shouts go out to Jen Dziura for sending me the Salon.com article and thus the Nike screen shot and The SNL Archives which is a way better website about the show than the official NBC version.