Friday, August 19, 2005

Just Do It, My Ass!

When I did The Social Wednesday night, I was talking about how I plan to start my own religion because I can't seem to find an existing religion I want to raise my child with. I've been thinking about it pretty seriously, and I've decided to become the founder of Assism - a faith in which believers worship the fine human behind. (Luckily God has blessed me with my very own church.) It's nice and large so it can* seat** a lot of parishioners - partially thanks to the corporate sponsorship I've received from Applebee's and Taco Bell. I mean, who doesn't want to attend a mass where instead of crackers we eat Chalupas? Hello?!

*Can?
**Seat?
Are you kidding me? Brilliant! I'm such a punderful writer...

The Assism Mass (or Massism, for short) plans were coming along well - enter church, offer each other the ass slap of peace, eat Chalupa... but I knew if this was going to be a serious faith I needed to find a creed. Flipping through Glamour magazine the other day while on the John (Matthew, Mark and Luke were tied up - literally - they like it kinky - who knew?) I found it! Our creed. The Catholics have the Nicene, and Assism has this Nike Ad:


I think you'll find it that it really cuts to the core of my beliefs:

My butt is big

And round like the letter C

And ten thousand lunges

Have made it rounder

But not smaller

And that's just fine.

It's a space heater

For my side of the bed

It's my ambassador

To those who walk behind me

It's a border collie

That herds skinny women

Away from the best deals

At clothing sales.

My butt is big

And that's just fine

And those who might scorn it

Are invited to kiss it.

Amen.

Now, to be fair, in the Nike Ad, it says "Just Do It" instead of "Amen." But I feel that "Just Do It" is a little too forceful. Assism is about one's personal desire to love the butt - not some dogma that you have to follow because the thought of some dude who died millennia ago makes you feel guilty about it. (I think you all know who I'm talking about - and let's face it - his ass was kinda flat.) Now, I'm not saying that the Flat Butts of the world can't get into heaven - it's just that they might have to work a little harder - that's all. That's why we offer purgatory training camp!

"I'm Hanz and I'm Franz - and we want to PLUMP (clap!) YOU UP!"

Who knew I'd be starting a religion with Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon? If somebody would have told me that 20 years ago, I'd have thought, "Who are they?" (I was only 8 and they didn't start on the show til I was 10.) Oh, comedy! You unpredictable lover! Thanks to you, I can raise my child right!

Shouts go out to Jen Dziura for sending me the Salon.com article and thus the Nike screen shot and The SNL Archives which is a way better website about the show than the official NBC version.

2 comments:

Megalosaurus Rudezilla said...

I am one-hundred-percent converted, and want to know what I have to do to become clergy. Can I just make peanut butter and chocolate chip coookies a couple times a week while wearing booty shorts, or do I actually have to give up my current job and work in a bakery again? Oh, and possible good news: it occurs to me that with the whole controversy over the accuracy of his anemic Aryan depiction in churches where he obviously needs a pillow before he can rest his pointy sits-bones on a pew, there's still a chance that the real Ameraic-speaking tight with G-d guy that you mentioned may have had ample booty. Not that I've spent a lot of time pondering messianic posterior or anything. (Jesus named top black icon: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/3958241.stm )

Carolyn said...

Hey Rude-Z,

Women obviously can become clergy, be married, be gay, whatever - no bootie shorts required. The ass is not just without, it is also within. It's physical - and metaphysical. Interesting point about the Big J having a huge rear... if the New Nation can use the fact that, "he called everybody brother, liked Gospel and couldn't get a fair trial" as proof that he was black, should we assume that the fact he was constantly surrounded by 12 men means he was gay and therefore had super-duper cheeks? I dunno. The good thing is - Assism goes on, with or without Jesus - uniting humankind in the love of the honey bun.