Except my family. None of us are really related. But the love is there. Somewhere underneath all the fat.
I was just thinking about how many bags of Tostitos I've eaten in the last year. Kinda puts the war and all the natural disasters we've experienced in perspective.
I mean, that's a lot of chips.
The new year is a time for reflection, and I've found the meaning of life in the bottom of a bag of Hint o' Lime.
Eat it up and enjoy - because before you know it, it'll be gone.
(But don't worry, it'll usually repeat on you the next day.)
I just proved reincarnation. I should eat more junk.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
What are you, a Republican?
Come see Laughing Liberally tonight at 8 pm!
45th Street Theater
354 West 45th Street, 2nd floor
(Between 8th and 9th Ave.)
$10
Thursday, December 22, 2005
This little piggy...
...went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef...
and this little piggy had none... because he loves cows like people and thinks they are not for eating you sick PIG! Oh, wait...
But this little piggy went, "Oui, oui, oui - AND!" all the way to see...
The Perfect Improv Group.
Comin' alive in 2005 - so you can get your kicks in 2006!
Featuring:
Carolyn Castiglia
Katina Corrao
Shawn Hollenbach
Laura Mannino
Matt McCarthy
Jenny Rubin
Theron Steiner
Allen Warnock
Oh - and please check out this website - Muslims hate it but Hindus love it! PIG 1!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
A Shout Out to Spectacular Stokes!
So, I was supposed to have two shows tonight, but both of them got cancelled due to the strike. Since one was "The Stokes Spectacular!" at Pete's Candy Store, I figured I'd give ol' Sweet Lili a shout here instead!
So, for your viewing pleasure, two little videos my hubby took with the digital camera while I was in labor, amazingly enough, involving Lianne Stokes:
Superstar Takes the Night Off - Part One
Superstar Takes the Night Off - Part Two
What's Rachel Dratch doin' holdin' my baby?
So, for your viewing pleasure, two little videos my hubby took with the digital camera while I was in labor, amazingly enough, involving Lianne Stokes:
Superstar Takes the Night Off - Part One
Superstar Takes the Night Off - Part Two
What's Rachel Dratch doin' holdin' my baby?
STRIKE ONE - you're out!
You don't need three strikes to go out tonight - all you need are two legs, dammit! (Okay, okay, I won't be there, but that's because I don't like to drink and Mommy.) Even though Chicks is cancelled tonight due to the poo-poo of the choo-choo, Nichelle, Heidi, Brian and Miss Subways have decided to party on! Have a brewski for me, y'all.
TRANSIT STRIKE PARTY
MO PITKIN'S HOUSE OF SATISFACTION
34 Ave. A between 2nd and 3rd
7:30 til the trains come home......
Monday, December 19, 2005
Is anybody watching Bushy on CNN right now? Aaahhhhhh!
Click his pitcher for live cov'rage!
I may not be good at photoshop, but I don't break the law. I don't spy on people. Cuz it's not spyin' when you have authority! And I don't not like black people, black reporter. I just need to communicate better. Communicate under the authority of the 'Merican people given to me by the authority of the Constitution given to me by the 'thority of God!!! Osama Bin Laden caused the hurricanes, don't you understand that? That's why we're in Iraq fightin' the enemy! That's why we have to have the Patriot Act so we can get the rif raf like Katrina out of 'Merica! That's not a law - that's an Executive Order! Now I fully understand no one agrees with me, but that's okay, because I have the authority to be an assface - the 'thority given to me by God to rule the 'Nited States of 'Merica! You don't like that I don't use vowels? I don't care! You will respect my 'thoritay!
And he closes with a big bad HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Ooooooohhhhhh!
Jew-lover.
Merry Christmas, bitch! GOD BLESS 'MERICA!!!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Wunderoos
Here they are - pics from Jenny Vaudeville:
Ah! Look at us! We look like we're about to sing "That's what Friends Are For," or "Believe" by Whitney and Mariah. I'll leave it to you to decide which of us is who. I guess Jen would have to be Mariah since she's obsessed with being photographed only on the right side of her face (Thank You, Monsieur Colbert for that tidbit!), but then on the other hand I could be Mariah since I'm, shall we say, a little 'thicker' than Jennifer. Jen just looks like a more feasable candidate for the nose candy, don'tchathink? In the "That's What Friends Are For" scenario I'm torn over who should be Elton and who should be Dionne. I look like an aging queen, but Jen's costume is better, yet I definitely feel like I have some kind of Psychic Friends Network vibe goin' with the shirt.
What does it matter? As long as someone gets to wear the hat and someone gets to have pink hair.
Rob and Mark know that friends are for bearing your soul, and the ladies of Cupcakes Take the Cake know that friendly competition makes you better friends!
All I know is, if Jen is Wonder Woman, and Wonder Woman was an Amazon Woman, that sends me from Brick House to Warehouse in about two seconds flat.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Ah, shit!
Look - it's cold. My fingers barely have enough life in them to tippity-type out this post. Last night's Jenny Vaudeville was great. Erin and her Cello, Lusty Lady RKB, The Rob and Mark Show - though I don't know why I'm giving them a shout since I know they don't want to read my blog! Jen in her Wonderwear... Unbeatable!
SEGUE
Nicely done.
I want there to be a transit strike. I want a reason not to leave my house ever again. Until August. Maybe by then I won't be so goddamn cold, hungry, poor and tired.
I either just ripped off the Statue of Liberty, RENT, or both.
Okay - my three day old Chinese has been sitting in the microwave done for about an hour now. Guess I better nuke it again.
My husband's out of town - can you tell? I was not meant to be allowed to "take care of myself." The baby I can handle. Me? Can't even keep paper towels in the house. Amazing.
I'm hoping there will be pictures soon. They're worth a 1000 words, so I guess I can stop typing. I wish they were worth 1000 bucks! Maybe the ones of Jen in her skivvies...
SEGUE
Nicely done.
I want there to be a transit strike. I want a reason not to leave my house ever again. Until August. Maybe by then I won't be so goddamn cold, hungry, poor and tired.
I either just ripped off the Statue of Liberty, RENT, or both.
Okay - my three day old Chinese has been sitting in the microwave done for about an hour now. Guess I better nuke it again.
My husband's out of town - can you tell? I was not meant to be allowed to "take care of myself." The baby I can handle. Me? Can't even keep paper towels in the house. Amazing.
I'm hoping there will be pictures soon. They're worth a 1000 words, so I guess I can stop typing. I wish they were worth 1000 bucks! Maybe the ones of Jen in her skivvies...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Two Funny Guys Hit the Skies
In addition to the loss of the great Richard Pryor, this weekend also brought the passing of my friend and fellow Fredonian, Tim Douglas Jensen. He died completely unexpectedly. I don't know how else to honor his memory other than just tell as many people I can about how amazing he was. He was a fantastic perfomer - the type of person with more talent in his little pinky than most people have in their entire body. His one person show, "SHOES," was truly inspired. He was funny, poignant and magical onstage and a great person to be around offstage. Generous, smart and kind, yet always willing to dish a little dirt in a good-natured way. His love for life was infectious. I thought I'd post his bio here (courtesy Double Helix Theatre Company) in remembrance. I can see Tim and Richard meeting up at the gates, smiling and laughing together. Keep on tellin' 'em, boys.
Tim Douglas Jensen (Actor/Playwright)
Tim Douglas Jensen has performed with Double Helix in "The Little Prince." His solo show "Shoes" was featured in the 2002 One Festival. He recently performed in the TheatreWorks USA national tour of Joe Calarco's "Sarah Plan and Tall." His first play, "Living By Numbers," was a semi-finalist in the 2003 Playwright's Circle Festival in Palm Springs, CA. "Stalls and Urinals," his comedic short, was featured in NativeAliens Theatre's Short Stories 5 at Flatiron Playhouse. Favorite roles include Seymour in "Little Shop of Horrors," Reverend Hale in "The Crucible," Claude in "Hair" and Lysander in "A Midsummer Night's Dream." MFA in Acting, Actors Studio Drama School. BFA in Performance, SUNY Fredonia.
Tim Douglas Jensen (Actor/Playwright)
Tim Douglas Jensen has performed with Double Helix in "The Little Prince." His solo show "Shoes" was featured in the 2002 One Festival. He recently performed in the TheatreWorks USA national tour of Joe Calarco's "Sarah Plan and Tall." His first play, "Living By Numbers," was a semi-finalist in the 2003 Playwright's Circle Festival in Palm Springs, CA. "Stalls and Urinals," his comedic short, was featured in NativeAliens Theatre's Short Stories 5 at Flatiron Playhouse. Favorite roles include Seymour in "Little Shop of Horrors," Reverend Hale in "The Crucible," Claude in "Hair" and Lysander in "A Midsummer Night's Dream." MFA in Acting, Actors Studio Drama School. BFA in Performance, SUNY Fredonia.
Show up!
The Jenny Vaudeville Show
Wednesday December 14th, 2005
10pm
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer Street in Williamsburg
Free!
Featuring humorous songs by Erin and Her Cello! And Village Voice columnist Rachel Kramer Bussel reading humorous erotic fiction! And comic Carolyn Castiglia rapping in Dutch! And a holiday performance by monologue artist Syd Bernstein! And sketch comedy by the Rob and Mark Show! And special musical guests The Cords regaling the audience with kitschy '80s tunes and more. And prizes for audience-participation contests in trivia, extreme spelling, and "guess the author"!
Directions to Pete's: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete's is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.
Plus, "Holidays, Family, WTF?" at Chicks and Giggles on Tuesday night! 7:30 at Mo Pitkins 34 Ave. A between 2nd and 3rd. FRIGITTY FREE!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Fan Mail
WARNING: Lots of curses and potentially offensive stuff in this post. Don't want anybody saying I didn't warn them. Most of it is not said by me.
You know, a lot of comics have strong cult followings: Eddie Izzard, Margaret Cho, but Carolyn Castiglia? Oh yes - it's true. A while back, I received a barrage of fan mail that I've just been waiting for the right time to share, and since I was able to read some of these letters at "Online Live," last night, I figured it was time to post them and let my followers know just how much I love and appreciate them by responding to some of their comments and questions.
So here they are, right in time for the holidays... just a mere sampling, if you will, of the 183 comments I received on this post, in which I spoke out against a certain twin tween white supremacist band. Now, in order to fully appreciate these letters, you have to know that at the time I received these comments, my profile read:
Got it? Good. Enjoy 'em, folks! I wanna send a Merry Christmas to my non-crazy Christians and secular Santa-lovers alike. A Happy Hanukkah to all my Jews in the hizzy - Challah! And have a kick ass Kwanzaa, black people! Wave your hands in the air, y'all - just make sure your fingers are in a fist and not flat...
Theodoric of York said...
How much poison have YOU been fed by your parents, schools and media every day for 45 years to subscribe to a multicultural agenda that offers NOTHING to white people?
On an unrelated note, what's worse, an unfunny comic or an ugly horse-toothed stripper? In either case you belong in the "Land of Misfit Toys" with the choo choo train with square wheels and the water pistol that squirts jelly.
Much love.
Dear TOY,
First off, I love that your initials are TOY and you reference toys in your letter - brilliant! Secondly, I had to start with your letter since you gave my boy Rudolph such a great shout. Hey, Red-Nose! What up, son?! Thirdly, my parents did allow me to stand behind the tailpipe of the car and inhale the fumes (I love the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning) and eat paint when I was little, so I'm sure I swallowed some lead here and there, but I'm not sure that helped me subscribe to a multicultural agenda. But boy, those Benetton ads certainly did! And like every other kid trying to be cool, as a teen I did shop at the store trying to "unite the colors." So, I guess if I can blame any one thing for the fact that I'm not racist, it'd have to be that kickass multicolored (there it is again!) striped wool sweater I wore in 9th grade. Thanks for writing! (I assume you'll be donating some swastika tees and Hitler dolls to TOYS FOR TOTS since they're practically your namesake?...)
Devon James said...
I could be wrong, but...aren't you of white european descent yourself? This is YOUR heritage that you're spitting on here, don't you feel anything when you do that?
Regardless, we know that you could never come out and support this kind of thing--what would happen to your 'ghetto-fabulous' 'future stripper' career then? Whether you know it or not, your career and future depends on blindly spouting back the propoganda you swim in, which you probably don't even recognize...even as it marches you and everyone of your descent towards destruction.
You should be ashamed.
Dear DJ,
Oh! I like that - you're like the littlest kid on Roseanne! Love that show... Anywho! Guess what? You're right! I am of white European descent! (And I'll capitalize it, too, cuz I am one proud goddamn white muthafucka!) I am, in fact, mostly GERMAN of all things. German, you say? No! But how could that be with a name like Castiglia? Well, DJ, you see, my bastard dick of a German biological "father" took his drunk ass and stopped coming home directly after I was born. So, my mother and I moved out and my father, the venerable Mr. Castiglia, (a tiny, greasy guinea to be sure) adopted me. Lo, I bear his name.
As for my 'ghetto-fabulous' 'future stripper' career, things are going quite well, actually. The former president Mr. Clinton has invited me to his holiday party! For some reason it's taking place in Room 436 of the Highway Hotel in Bayonne, NJ. But, sounds like fun! I hope Kofi Annan is there. I just love watching black people drink egg nog...
TTFN,
ckc
Byronio said...
Looking at your picture, you look like some sort of a buck-toothed mongrel who chooses to live in the world's multi-cultural stew capital ( Harlem )
If you are not a mongrel ( Your name sounds Italian )then that is even worse you race traitor!!!
Instead of supporting a group who is standing up for their race, you seek to silence them, you defender of oppression!!!
No wonder you hate the white race so much, you live amongst the very people who are destroying us.
PB is the best thing to come along to bring attention to the shafting that the white race has had to endure from non-white invaders in a long time, and their music is great, and they are very pretty to boot.
And you are glad you were not able to access their web site because it was blocked???
You free-speech hating idiot!!! It's politically correct liberals like you who are corrupting the constitution of this once great nation!!!
Hey Byronio!
I gotta say, the girls of PB are pretty hot! If they were a little older (and not wearing those kitchy little Happy Hitler tees!) I'd totally bang them.
Oh wait - you guys hate gay people, too, right? Oops! Ma bad!
Well, say hi to your mom for me. It's been a while since we'vekissed talked.
Love,
Carolyn
Cees Donners said...
No wonder Carolyn does not like PB. Had a looks at her pictures? Will explain a lot. She isn't good looking, rather fat and seems to do stupid shows to earn a buck. Pretty pathetic to vent her frustrations on two girls.
Her husband has a PhD! Wow, she just had to say that. Guess what hon? I am currently doing mine. Big deal.
Of course, she thinks all racialists are imbeciles because the massmedia is portraying us like that.
By the by, I'm a psychologist, and could I say a lot more about you...
But OK, greetings from lovely Holland and PB is great!
Lieve Cees,
Wordt Cees normaal gesproken niet met een K gespeld? Verbaast dat ik zo goed nederlands kan begrijpen? Mijn man is namelijk een Nederlander! Maar hij houdt ook van zwarte mensen. En Joden. Daar zit het verschil.
I agree, Holland is lovely and peanut butter is great! Friends?
DOEI! Dikke kus,
Carolijn
p.s. - I could TOTALLY use some free therapy. Thanks for being so generous! I bet Sinterklaas left you something good in your shoe this year!
Anonymous said...
A white girl that claims to live in Harlem. You think that gives you street credentials?? You are too cool did daddy bankroll your co-op purchase? Even if you dared to reside in brownsville I would think you were a fool and not very good as a comedian since you have such a crappy address.
Yo, Anonymous,
I respect that you have withheld your name whilst slandering me and all the brownies I live with in brownsville. It's very courageous of you. The darkies say HI and they'll be over later to kick your ass. Ha ha! Don't shoot the messenger! LOL! ;)
p.s. - You're right. I would sooooo be funnier if I lived in SoHo.
Anonymous said...
You are just some shitty mongrel who has no pride whatsover, dragging these girls down is ridicolous, they are very talented girls who write and make their own music, much more then some filthy non-white creature like you could ever do.
Go back wherever you belong and stop poisoning the internet with rubbish like that.
Listen, Anonymous...
I thought you had your say already?! Okay, look. I'll stop poisoning the internet with my "peace, love and understanding" bullshit as long as you learn to use "than" instead of "then." Dealski?
I'm sorry. Deal. I don't want the playful suffix "ski" to make you think of Polish Jews. Baby steps, Carolyn!
See thee anon, Anon!
;) ckc
Anonymous said...
Carolyn-how many times a week do you get gang banged by a group of n*ggers? I bet they love f*ckng that wide ass of yours and sticking their coal black cocks down your throat so you can gag on their come. I can just hear you now-oh, baby, f*ck me harder, black boys!!! I just LOVE diversity ahd I am not racist!!! Ram me harder, harder!!! Or do you get your anti-racist pals to have a moresome with about 30 n*ggers and other assorted nonwhites? Man, I can just picture you telling your white trash whore buddies-oh, let's have an STD party!!! F*ck you, b*tch, I hope you fail in life and stay undiscovered.
*Edited by CKC
LOOK! Anonymous!
Why don't you just give in and tell me your name, okay? And learn how to spell, would ya? I mean, shit, I know you're pissed, but take the time to look this shit over, okay? Really. How are we going to have a serious discourse about all of the men I f*ck if you can't just calm down for a minute?! Gawd!
But re the STD party: It's this Saturday in Greenpoint. Bring enough herpes to share with everyone! XO...
Anonymous said...
DEAR CAROLYN HACK:
A) You're a really bad writer.
B) You're glad your ISP blocks websites. Would you like if it was taken over by a friendly conservative group and you could no longer access *.blogspot.com? There's lots of the f-word all over that smutty domain, and all the incendiary spewage is just as offensive as a couple of kids doing the whole "BLACK PRIDESSSSSSSSSSSSS Y'ALLLLLLLL" Tupac / Macy Grey-Gray-whatever her name is / Lauryn Hill thing in reverse.
C) "Undiscovered Superstar"? Do you dance with angels in the moonlit nights and sing songs to daisies? Were you one of those catty 15 year old girls in high school who were so glad that they made the chorus for the musical that they decided to ruin the fun for everyone else in the production by taking it way, way too seriously? Or are you just a typically poorly-educated, insecure Latina who enjoys the thought of being a COMMUNITY LEADER for her generation?
Thanks!
~Management
ANONYMOUS! Now just wait one cotton pickin' minute! I give you a few writing tips and you pull the word "incendiary" out of your ass and all of a sudden I'm the bad writer? That's bullshit, dude. I'm so glad the Hooked on Phonics thing worked out, but come on - let's be fair, here. And it's "Gray," by the way. "Grey" is too British for a black person, don't you think? Although black people do live there, I hear. All over the world, in fact. Actually, now that I think of it, there's a fairly well known scientific theory that all humans actually come from Africa, but... I digress!
YES - I was THAT GIRL in high school who took the musical WAY WAY TOO SERIOUSLY! (My aforementioned BFA is actually in Musical Theatre. You, my friend, are an astute observer.) I was the backstage conductor for all the choral numbers in my high school's production of Brigadoon, in fact. You know the show where out of the mist rises a magical Scottish village that appears for a single day every 100 years? You must know Scotland, Anonymous. Lots of white people live there. And you must know musicals since you seem a wee bit bitter about your high school experience... I'm just sayin'! What? Did you end up being one of the brothers instead of Joseph? I know - everybody wants to wear that goddamn Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat! Maybe somewhere deep down inside you know you're gay and the fact that you never got to put that fabulously sequined coat on means that one day you'll wake up and be a drag queen?! One can only hope! Until then, you might wanna take Cees up on his offer for free analysis. He seems pretty cool. After all, he likes peanut butter!
_________________________________________
Now - I do want to let it be known that in addition to all this "hate mail" - if you can call it that - I like to think of it as misplaced rage - after all, even Nazis deserve sympathy, right? - I also got some lovely letters of support, like:
Thank you, Sandy! Who knew, indeed! If I knew what semi-literate white trash stripper you were talking about, I would totally go find her and shake her tassel. You go, girl! Sandy, if I find any antiracist activists who don't understand sarcasm, I'll let you know.
p.s. - You've been fighting the good fight for a lifetime, huh, Sandy? Does that mean you're only 15 years old? Wow! Impressive.
_________________________________________
Okay friends, that's all the time we have for the mail bag today! Hope you've enjoyed it! See you next time when I read about how one fan hoped my baby died! Woo-hoo! GOOD TIMES.......
You know, a lot of comics have strong cult followings: Eddie Izzard, Margaret Cho, but Carolyn Castiglia? Oh yes - it's true. A while back, I received a barrage of fan mail that I've just been waiting for the right time to share, and since I was able to read some of these letters at "Online Live," last night, I figured it was time to post them and let my followers know just how much I love and appreciate them by responding to some of their comments and questions.
So here they are, right in time for the holidays... just a mere sampling, if you will, of the 183 comments I received on this post, in which I spoke out against a certain twin tween white supremacist band. Now, in order to fully appreciate these letters, you have to know that at the time I received these comments, my profile read:
Comic. Former temp. Future stripper. Cowboy mouth. Ghetto-fabulous. Lover. Laugher. Eater. Friend to the poor. Big fan of Target. Neat-freak slob. Loves wearing the shimmery eye-shadow, so much so I often look like a drag queen. Thinks enough lip gloss can slim even the widest of asses. BFA. Married to a PhD. Needs some TLC. Carolyn.
Got it? Good. Enjoy 'em, folks! I wanna send a Merry Christmas to my non-crazy Christians and secular Santa-lovers alike. A Happy Hanukkah to all my Jews in the hizzy - Challah! And have a kick ass Kwanzaa, black people! Wave your hands in the air, y'all - just make sure your fingers are in a fist and not flat...
Theodoric of York said...
How much poison have YOU been fed by your parents, schools and media every day for 45 years to subscribe to a multicultural agenda that offers NOTHING to white people?
On an unrelated note, what's worse, an unfunny comic or an ugly horse-toothed stripper? In either case you belong in the "Land of Misfit Toys" with the choo choo train with square wheels and the water pistol that squirts jelly.
Much love.
Dear TOY,
First off, I love that your initials are TOY and you reference toys in your letter - brilliant! Secondly, I had to start with your letter since you gave my boy Rudolph such a great shout. Hey, Red-Nose! What up, son?! Thirdly, my parents did allow me to stand behind the tailpipe of the car and inhale the fumes (I love the smell of carbon monoxide in the morning) and eat paint when I was little, so I'm sure I swallowed some lead here and there, but I'm not sure that helped me subscribe to a multicultural agenda. But boy, those Benetton ads certainly did! And like every other kid trying to be cool, as a teen I did shop at the store trying to "unite the colors." So, I guess if I can blame any one thing for the fact that I'm not racist, it'd have to be that kickass multicolored (there it is again!) striped wool sweater I wore in 9th grade. Thanks for writing! (I assume you'll be donating some swastika tees and Hitler dolls to TOYS FOR TOTS since they're practically your namesake?...)
Devon James said...
I could be wrong, but...aren't you of white european descent yourself? This is YOUR heritage that you're spitting on here, don't you feel anything when you do that?
Regardless, we know that you could never come out and support this kind of thing--what would happen to your 'ghetto-fabulous' 'future stripper' career then? Whether you know it or not, your career and future depends on blindly spouting back the propoganda you swim in, which you probably don't even recognize...even as it marches you and everyone of your descent towards destruction.
You should be ashamed.
Dear DJ,
Oh! I like that - you're like the littlest kid on Roseanne! Love that show... Anywho! Guess what? You're right! I am of white European descent! (And I'll capitalize it, too, cuz I am one proud goddamn white muthafucka!) I am, in fact, mostly GERMAN of all things. German, you say? No! But how could that be with a name like Castiglia? Well, DJ, you see, my bastard dick of a German biological "father" took his drunk ass and stopped coming home directly after I was born. So, my mother and I moved out and my father, the venerable Mr. Castiglia, (a tiny, greasy guinea to be sure) adopted me. Lo, I bear his name.
As for my 'ghetto-fabulous' 'future stripper' career, things are going quite well, actually. The former president Mr. Clinton has invited me to his holiday party! For some reason it's taking place in Room 436 of the Highway Hotel in Bayonne, NJ. But, sounds like fun! I hope Kofi Annan is there. I just love watching black people drink egg nog...
TTFN,
ckc
Byronio said...
Looking at your picture, you look like some sort of a buck-toothed mongrel who chooses to live in the world's multi-cultural stew capital ( Harlem )
If you are not a mongrel ( Your name sounds Italian )then that is even worse you race traitor!!!
Instead of supporting a group who is standing up for their race, you seek to silence them, you defender of oppression!!!
No wonder you hate the white race so much, you live amongst the very people who are destroying us.
PB is the best thing to come along to bring attention to the shafting that the white race has had to endure from non-white invaders in a long time, and their music is great, and they are very pretty to boot.
And you are glad you were not able to access their web site because it was blocked???
You free-speech hating idiot!!! It's politically correct liberals like you who are corrupting the constitution of this once great nation!!!
Hey Byronio!
I gotta say, the girls of PB are pretty hot! If they were a little older (and not wearing those kitchy little Happy Hitler tees!) I'd totally bang them.
Oh wait - you guys hate gay people, too, right? Oops! Ma bad!
Well, say hi to your mom for me. It's been a while since we've
Love,
Carolyn
Cees Donners said...
No wonder Carolyn does not like PB. Had a looks at her pictures? Will explain a lot. She isn't good looking, rather fat and seems to do stupid shows to earn a buck. Pretty pathetic to vent her frustrations on two girls.
Her husband has a PhD! Wow, she just had to say that. Guess what hon? I am currently doing mine. Big deal.
Of course, she thinks all racialists are imbeciles because the massmedia is portraying us like that.
By the by, I'm a psychologist, and could I say a lot more about you...
But OK, greetings from lovely Holland and PB is great!
Lieve Cees,
Wordt Cees normaal gesproken niet met een K gespeld? Verbaast dat ik zo goed nederlands kan begrijpen? Mijn man is namelijk een Nederlander! Maar hij houdt ook van zwarte mensen. En Joden. Daar zit het verschil.
I agree, Holland is lovely and peanut butter is great! Friends?
DOEI! Dikke kus,
Carolijn
p.s. - I could TOTALLY use some free therapy. Thanks for being so generous! I bet Sinterklaas left you something good in your shoe this year!
Anonymous said...
A white girl that claims to live in Harlem. You think that gives you street credentials?? You are too cool did daddy bankroll your co-op purchase? Even if you dared to reside in brownsville I would think you were a fool and not very good as a comedian since you have such a crappy address.
Yo, Anonymous,
I respect that you have withheld your name whilst slandering me and all the brownies I live with in brownsville. It's very courageous of you. The darkies say HI and they'll be over later to kick your ass. Ha ha! Don't shoot the messenger! LOL! ;)
p.s. - You're right. I would sooooo be funnier if I lived in SoHo.
Anonymous said...
You are just some shitty mongrel who has no pride whatsover, dragging these girls down is ridicolous, they are very talented girls who write and make their own music, much more then some filthy non-white creature like you could ever do.
Go back wherever you belong and stop poisoning the internet with rubbish like that.
Listen, Anonymous...
I thought you had your say already?! Okay, look. I'll stop poisoning the internet with my "peace, love and understanding" bullshit as long as you learn to use "than" instead of "then." Dealski?
I'm sorry. Deal. I don't want the playful suffix "ski" to make you think of Polish Jews. Baby steps, Carolyn!
See thee anon, Anon!
;) ckc
Anonymous said...
Carolyn-how many times a week do you get gang banged by a group of n*ggers? I bet they love f*ckng that wide ass of yours and sticking their coal black cocks down your throat so you can gag on their come. I can just hear you now-oh, baby, f*ck me harder, black boys!!! I just LOVE diversity ahd I am not racist!!! Ram me harder, harder!!! Or do you get your anti-racist pals to have a moresome with about 30 n*ggers and other assorted nonwhites? Man, I can just picture you telling your white trash whore buddies-oh, let's have an STD party!!! F*ck you, b*tch, I hope you fail in life and stay undiscovered.
*Edited by CKC
LOOK! Anonymous!
Why don't you just give in and tell me your name, okay? And learn how to spell, would ya? I mean, shit, I know you're pissed, but take the time to look this shit over, okay? Really. How are we going to have a serious discourse about all of the men I f*ck if you can't just calm down for a minute?! Gawd!
But re the STD party: It's this Saturday in Greenpoint. Bring enough herpes to share with everyone! XO...
Anonymous said...
DEAR CAROLYN HACK:
A) You're a really bad writer.
B) You're glad your ISP blocks websites. Would you like if it was taken over by a friendly conservative group and you could no longer access *.blogspot.com? There's lots of the f-word all over that smutty domain, and all the incendiary spewage is just as offensive as a couple of kids doing the whole "BLACK PRIDESSSSSSSSSSSSS Y'ALLLLLLLL" Tupac / Macy Grey-Gray-whatever her name is / Lauryn Hill thing in reverse.
C) "Undiscovered Superstar"? Do you dance with angels in the moonlit nights and sing songs to daisies? Were you one of those catty 15 year old girls in high school who were so glad that they made the chorus for the musical that they decided to ruin the fun for everyone else in the production by taking it way, way too seriously? Or are you just a typically poorly-educated, insecure Latina who enjoys the thought of being a COMMUNITY LEADER for her generation?
Thanks!
~Management
ANONYMOUS! Now just wait one cotton pickin' minute! I give you a few writing tips and you pull the word "incendiary" out of your ass and all of a sudden I'm the bad writer? That's bullshit, dude. I'm so glad the Hooked on Phonics thing worked out, but come on - let's be fair, here. And it's "Gray," by the way. "Grey" is too British for a black person, don't you think? Although black people do live there, I hear. All over the world, in fact. Actually, now that I think of it, there's a fairly well known scientific theory that all humans actually come from Africa, but... I digress!
YES - I was THAT GIRL in high school who took the musical WAY WAY TOO SERIOUSLY! (My aforementioned BFA is actually in Musical Theatre. You, my friend, are an astute observer.) I was the backstage conductor for all the choral numbers in my high school's production of Brigadoon, in fact. You know the show where out of the mist rises a magical Scottish village that appears for a single day every 100 years? You must know Scotland, Anonymous. Lots of white people live there. And you must know musicals since you seem a wee bit bitter about your high school experience... I'm just sayin'! What? Did you end up being one of the brothers instead of Joseph? I know - everybody wants to wear that goddamn Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat! Maybe somewhere deep down inside you know you're gay and the fact that you never got to put that fabulously sequined coat on means that one day you'll wake up and be a drag queen?! One can only hope! Until then, you might wanna take Cees up on his offer for free analysis. He seems pretty cool. After all, he likes peanut butter!
_________________________________________
Now - I do want to let it be known that in addition to all this "hate mail" - if you can call it that - I like to think of it as misplaced rage - after all, even Nazis deserve sympathy, right? - I also got some lovely letters of support, like:
"PB is Stupid. Racism sucks. Go Carolyn!!"
"It is a known fact that PB have less talent than William Hung."
"The Nazis were a bunch of godawful losers. Anyone who respects the Nazis of yesteryear is a loser."
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
Sandy said...
"I have been working actively as an antiracist activist for the past 15 years and little did I know that one semi-literate white trash stripper could do more in less than a year than a lifetime of activism."
Thank you, Sandy! Who knew, indeed! If I knew what semi-literate white trash stripper you were talking about, I would totally go find her and shake her tassel. You go, girl! Sandy, if I find any antiracist activists who don't understand sarcasm, I'll let you know.
p.s. - You've been fighting the good fight for a lifetime, huh, Sandy? Does that mean you're only 15 years old? Wow! Impressive.
_________________________________________
Okay friends, that's all the time we have for the mail bag today! Hope you've enjoyed it! See you next time when I read about how one fan hoped my baby died! Woo-hoo! GOOD TIMES.......
New York Lesson No. 367
Just because you're wearing a suit doesn't mean you're not CA-CA-CA-CRAY-ZEE!
Apply liberally. Re-apply as needed. (I'd suggest every goddamn day...)
Apply liberally. Re-apply as needed. (I'd suggest every goddamn day...)
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?
I did my speech for the March of Dimes today at their National Communications Advisory Council Health Issues Luncheon, "Cesarean Section: Consumer Preference or Medical Necessity?" It was great. For the record, Gretchen Carlson is really cool, nice, smart and very pretty with a nice sense of humor. (And a former classical violinist, so I forgive you the whole Fox thing, girl...) If anybody who was at the luncheon peeps my blog - hey! There were editors there from several magazines including Glamour and Baby Talk. An editor at Baby Talk suggested we keep in touch about Adriana modeling for them (and perhaps some freelance writing for Mommy as well)! I knew it was only a matter of time. I mean, the kid is seriously gorgeous. Okay, whatever, I'm her Mom. But now my suspicions have been confirmed! She has mass appeal. (Butt her Mama has ass appeal! HEY!) I don't want to be THAT MOM who takes their kid on modeling and commercial auditions, but if people come to her, what can I say? I just hope she doesn't end up making more money in the biz than I do (and then pulling a Macaulay Culkin - cuz I will be pissed!) I always wanted to play Mama Rose someday, but not for reals...At any rate, I thought I'd post my speech here cuz I didn't get to do the whole thing for time reasons and it's an interesting story. Though not as interesting as my fellow speaker Courtney Gant who almost died having her baby! (Mom and baby are both healthy now. She thanks you for your concern.) That makes me look like the biggest jackass in America for complaining about my C-Section, though. But! All's well that ends well. They say C-Section babies are cuter than vaginal deliveries, and based on Adriana's hot new modeling career, I guess so!
Here it is, my speech, "C-Sections: Consumer Preference, Medical Necessity or Something Else?"
I was 3 days overdue when I was scheduled for an induction, already an aberration from my natural birth plan, since I assumed based on my mother’s curses that I, like every other woman in our family, would “go early.” I was actually thrilled that my doctor, Nancy Jasper of Columbia, didn’t keep me waiting 2 weeks to see if labor would start on its own. By the time I reached 40 weeks, I was so huge I felt like a cow in heat dying in the African Serengeti, sweating like a pig looking at a plate of bacon. Needless to say, I was in a good mood on October 11th when we checked in to the spacious Labor and Delivery Unit at New York Presbyterian. My husband Mark and I were giddy with excitement: we were finally going to have our baby! When the nurse said, "So, what did they tell you?" I said, "To show up here at 7 o'clock!" She sort of smirked and said, “Oh. They didn’t tell you about the Cervidil?...” No, they didn’t. My husband and I were having a great time, watching TV, playing cards and following the movements of the fetal monitor… until I got the Cervidil injection. I started having serious contractions almost immediately, which blew my “squat down, pop it out, wrap it up, let’s go home” theory right out of the water. I couldn’t believe how much they hurt! I suffered through the pain for a couple hours when the nurse suggested I take some Ambien so I could get some sleep. After refusing twice I finally agreed, since the picture of my “happy place” just wasn’t doin’ it for me. I tried everything: breathing, visualization, music. I thought swaying with my husband holding me in the slow dance position to Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind would help, but I was in a New York State of Pain. Is it just me, or is it completely unrealistic that in every video they showed in Lamaze class none of the women were swearing? I know I was certainly using the four letter word synonymous with the deed that put me in the hospital, both as a noun and a verb. It made me feel better, but I think my husband was getting scared for his dangling participle.
I finally caved in and took the nurse’s Ambien – a barbiturate, mind you - and tried to fall asleep. To all you doctors out there, I’m not sure giving a hungry, cranky, uncomfortably fat woman hard drugs is the best idea. I immediately started dreaming that the pillows surrounding me were African jazz dancing beatniks with berets who yelled at me every time I moved since I interrupted their swirling, drumming mayhem. Every time I had a big contraction, one of the pillows would fall to the floor, and then in my dream they’d turn into little down-filled monsters, chasing me like rabid dogs trying to chew me up for ruining their art. This happened multiple times, and every time I'd wake up and try to say to my husband or whoever was around, "The pillows! You don't understand! They're moving..." After 4 or 5 rounds of this I finally willed myself awake and stood up out of bed. The nurse came rushing in and said I wasn't supposed to be up, but I had to go the bathroom, so she let me. When I came out, I said, “I want an epidural – now!” The doctor on duty told me I was only a fingertip dilated and that I’d have to wait. They finally sent the anesthesiologist in at 6 am, and from then on I felt great, except for the profuse vomiting, of course.
I never threw up once while I was pregnant, and then I puked 9 times the day Adriana was born. I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "Retribution is unto an unruly female dog, madame." (Hip hop translation: "Payback is a bitch, bitch!") My little plastic barf bucket was like a Skittles bag – I hurled the entire rainbow: green, blue, black yellow… It was probably due to the fact that I had about 20 different drugs in my system - Cervidil, Ambien, an IV drip, Pitocin, some kind of antibiotic since I was Strep B positive - I'm not even sure if the list ends there - AND I hadn't eaten in at least 12 hours (almost 30 by the time the baby was born – don’t think I wasn’t counting…) topped off by the fact that every time a new nurse found out I was a comic I’d strap on my tap shoes and do my best Jolson impression. “So – d’ya hear the one about the hungry, cranky, uncomfortably fat woman and the African, jazz dancing pillows?” I better not forget to throw in the Tylenol I had at some point and the oxygen mask. They never did tell me why I needed that - probably just so they had something to laugh at...
Dr. Jasper kept checking on me throughout the day, regularly upping the dose of my Pitocin. By 9:30 pm, I was up to 14 units and dilated to 8 1/2 centimeters. By that time I had been in labor about 24 hours. That was when Dr. J decided it was time to go for the C. She said even if I got up to 10 centimeters I probably couldn't push the baby's head out because the birth canal was too narrow. I thought to myself, "Okay, but you've been sticking your fingers up there for months now - couldn't you have noticed that a bit sooner?!" I was surprised by the news since I had been in labor so long and progressing steadily all the while; the last thing I wanted was to have a C-Section. To this day, I’m not really sure if it was medically necessary for me to have the C-Section, but I trusted my doctor and decided it was best to say yes and have time to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to have surgery rather than try to push the baby out and be rushed off in an emergency.
Around 10:30, some of the young doctors I had already met came in and out, running around like this was all second nature to them. Sign this, put this on. A girl just a bit older than me administered an even stronger numbing agent where the epidural already was so that I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. They gave my husband a very stylish one piece suit to wear made of paper, complete with shoe covers and shower cap. You know a man has set his pride aside for the sake of his wife and child when he’s willing to be photographed in an outfit like that. He looked like the cafeteria lady. Except prettier.
I was wheeled into the operating room alone at first while they prepped my stomach. I felt ready for the operation, but things were moving so fast I was worried they were going to start without my husband in the room! According to him, it seemed like it only took 5 minutes to pull the baby out. The doctors quickly cut her cord since they don't want the Dads to see what’s going on behind the curtain – it’s like Oz – no one knows what’s going on down there. All we know is that’s where the munchkins live. Mark was so surprised she was out he said, "Oh - the baby - there she is - she's born." I wanted to see her, but I was strapped to the table being sewn up with an industrial strength Singer and then stapled shut with a pneumatic flooring gun. I could feel some of what was going on, but the anesthesiologist was right on top of it, asking me how I was throughout, giving me more medication and always calling me by my name. I told her I was freezing – I was shivering so badly my teeth started to chatter. She told me that was a universal response to giving birth whether you have a vaginal delivery or have a C-Section. I liked that thought. It made me feel connected to the rest of my sisters who had given birth, “the real way.” The nurses put these awesome fuzzy heated blankets on my arms and chest gave me a gown to wear - with snowflakes on it! Despite my grogginess, I managed to say, "You guys are really pushin' it here." They all laughed, then the 4 tiny women who’d been attending me, doctors, nurses and anesthesiologists alike all hoisted me onto a gurney and I was rolled to the recovery room where my husband got to bond with the baby. I was too out of it to sit up or hold the baby, so the nurse brought her over to me before they took us to our room and I kissed her goodnight. She went off to the nursery and we finally got to sleep.
At about 6 o’clock in the morning I heard another baby cry and immediately longed for my daughter. I told my husband I was going to call the nursery and he said, “Go back to sleep!” I can’t blame him – we’d only slept 4 hours in two days. But I called the nursery anyway and the nurses said they’d bring her down at 8:30. The waiting was agony, but they did finally bring her to me and we’ve been together ever since! Adriana was born at 11:55 pm on October 12th, and I went home at 11 am on October 15th. That’s two days shorter a stay than they recommend for C-Section patients, but I willed myself into a fast recovery. I started performing again, on accident, October 21st. I was asked to fill in for someone who dropped out of a show I’d done in the past, and though I was hesitant to say yes, my husband and mother, who had come to help with baby, said go for it. So, I did. It was only fitting since my last show before the birth was the day before my due date. I hope that my quick recovery and sense of humor while in labor can be an inspiration to my daughter, and that she’ll know as long as she puts her mind to it, she can do anything. Even if she’s hungry, cranky and uncomfortably fat.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
So Many Shows, So Little Time to Get Dressed...
Okay kids, here's how it is. This week marks my third year doing stand-up, so come celebrate with me at one of these shows! (And by "celebrate with me" I mean "Please buy me a drink because I am broke.") Thank you.
Plus, tomorrow I'll be speaking at the March of Dimes National Communications Advisory Council Health Issues Luncheon, "Cesarean Section: Consumer Preference or Medical Necessity?" moderated by Gretchen Carlson of the FOX "News" Channel.
Just kidding with those quotes there, Gretchen. I love The Simpsons! And that scroll on 6th Avenue that's always talking about how Al Queda is gonna blow us up? I always read that thing when I need a pick-me-up!
TONIGHT! 7:30 PM
MO PITKINS
34 Ave. A between 2nd/3rd
Freeski!
WEDNESDAY AT 9
SIN SIN
Corner of 2nd Ave./5th St.
Double Freeski!
THURSDAY AT 8
CHASHAMA
217 E. 42nd St. between 2nd/3rd
FRIDAY AT 8
JACKIE, ELAINE & FRIENDS
DILLON'S
245 W. 54th St. between 7th/8th
Plus, tomorrow I'll be speaking at the March of Dimes National Communications Advisory Council Health Issues Luncheon, "Cesarean Section: Consumer Preference or Medical Necessity?" moderated by Gretchen Carlson of the FOX "News" Channel.
Just kidding with those quotes there, Gretchen. I love The Simpsons! And that scroll on 6th Avenue that's always talking about how Al Queda is gonna blow us up? I always read that thing when I need a pick-me-up!
Monday, December 05, 2005
525,600 Seasons of LOVED IT!
I saw RENT this weekend. Fucking loved it! What can I say? It takes me back... back to the days when you could sing about AIDS on the subway with your drag queen lover and elderly strangers would sit there and smile. When guys would do flips on the train without asking for money - just for the sheer joy of it. When you could do smack and still look like Rosario Dawson. Good times!Oh, oh - surely you know I jest. My disbelief was suspended 100% and I think the movie actually reads better than the stage version. They took out a lot of the awful rhyming and the unnecessary recitatives (although I did miss, "That was a very loud beep...") and just generally made the whole thing more realistic. I mean, come on, if you can break out into song anywhere it's in the middle of a restaurant in the East Village, am I right?!
Though I will say, I did laugh my balls off when Roger (Adam Pascal) was wandering alone through the Santa Fe desert. Holy shit! I haven't seen anything that precious since Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" video!
Twins separated at birth, or THE SAME MAN??? You decide.
I'm just saying - you've never seen them in the same place before, have you? No. And now you know why.
I could go on and on for hours about the film - I really did love it. Rosario Dawson is gorgeous, as is all of the cast. The film was really expertly done (The Tango Maureen was great, the song RENT was fantastic - Angel's death scene was so moving. It was perfect.) This is one fag hag who would go see that shit again! I can't wait for them to make more movie musicals. Is Jekyll and Hyde starring Bon Jovi next? I hope so!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
Mortified One of TONY's Best of 2005
I'm honored to have performed twice in MORTIFIED NYC, which has been nominated by Time Out New York as one of the Best Comedy/Variety Shows of 2005! Click here to vote for it being THE best show of the year. Congrats to Giulia and Dave!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Mama Zimbabwe Strikes Again!
CHARACTER was so out-of-this-world excellent last night I am dancin' in ma pants! Nick Stevens was unable to join us since he got a radio gig based on the character he created for our show (yay!) so we were graced by Jenny Rubin and Katina Corrao doing "Mend Your Life," with motivational speakers Rita and Wilma that was sew (!) funny, Billy Wood as crass 1950's comic Joey Pickles, Lianne Stokes as Natasha Casgrove the horny children's librarian, Baron Vaughn as Lord Blackworth de Negroville - which there are really no words to describe, except "ribald hilarity to joculate a Moor's 12-inch obsidian nether-regions," Becky Yamamoto as Ida, the 30-year vet of stand-up comedy with a "dry vagina," Shawn Hollenbach as Vladimir, the Generic European Comic, the brilliant skecth duo Brandy and Sara with their friend Andrew in a sketch about an over-sexualized 10-year old's birthday party and of course me as Mama Zimbabwe, the African dancer I was born to be. The room was packed and the audience totally loved the show. Thanks to all who came out!
If you're crying now cuz you missed it, come to our next show! Check out our website for deets!
If you're crying now cuz you missed it, come to our next show! Check out our website for deets!
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