10 Things I Hate About You

Never forget, Heath...

10) I hate it when people try to tell me how to raise my baby. The other day I was pushing my stroller around the neighborhood and this girl walked by and said, “Where your plastic at? Girl, you betta get some plastic on that stroller cuz it is too cold for that baby!” And I was like, “She’s fine - she’s a snowbunny – she loves the cold!” Now, I'm not sure she heard me over the baby's coughs… But I showed her!


9) I hate it when people judge me. On Christmas Eve I went out to dinner with my family in my hometown and I forgot to bring the baby a bottle. I was like, “It's fine – she can share mine...” but my father literally looked at me and said, “What the hell kind of mother are you?” and he made me go home and make her a bottle. So I got in the car, and the funniest thing happened... my car just started driving back to Manhattan! And I was like, “Woah, baby. Calm down. I know you wanna leave but we have to stay so I can keep disappointing Mom and Dad. Because my parents aren’t happy unless they’re upset. And it’s Christmas – so let’s just let them be happy. It’s the only thing they want this year. Disappointment. And world peace.”

8) I hate skinny actresses who feel the need to profess to the world that they love food. Here's an example from an episode of Letterman this week when Heather Graham was on:

DL: Ladies and Gentlemen, Heather Graham!

HG: (enters, sits.) Hi Dave. It's so nice to be here. (awkward pause) Oh my God – I love food!

DL: Oh, really? That's... good. I don't understand when people don't like to eat.

HG: Oh yeah - I love to eat. Like, one time I was on a movie set and there was a – what do you call it – like, a food table – and this other actress and I started making songs up about the food, like ‘cheese – I love you cheese – you’re little squares – cheddar and swiss.”

DL: Oh, really? Well, what kind of foods do you like?

HG: (bugs eyes out, confusion sets in, face begins to twitch.) Oh – uh, lots of things. Yeah – lots of different things. (pauses to try to remember the name of a food she's eaten within the last twelve years.) Like, I was really into frozen yogurt for a while...

What? Frozen yogurt is not food! Frozen yogurt is a poor attempt at dessert made by people who hate themselves and eaten by people who like the idea of Olestra. I’m talking about people who don’t mind having shit leak out their ass at work, okay? No one cares that you like french fries Cameron Diaz! Everyone likes french fries! But do you dip them in mayo? I think not. Call me back when you eat an entire jar of bleu cheese with a large pepperoni pizza.

7) I hate Top Ten lists. There’s only about three of the ten things that are ever actually funny, anyway. But you can’t just have a top three list, because then it makes it seem like you can’t think of seven other jokes that suck. And the top three are really at the bottom of the top ten anyway, so you’d have to call it a bottom three list. But this is actually a top three list so far, since I really only had three things in mind when I started writing it and they’re numbers 8, 9 and 10. I guess I should have just called this “3 things I hate more than the other 7 things that suck so bad I didn’t even bother writing them down... about you.” But, I didn’t. So…

6) I hate that I hate Top Ten lists. You can make good money writing them and they're a great tool for comedy. ESPECIALLY if you like number jokes.

5) I hate it when people don’t get sarcasm. I did a show the other day and told this joke that went over, well, like a holocaust joke in a concentration camp:

Jews tend to think WWII was all about Hitler’s supposed "annihilation" of their people. Bullshit. Everybody knows wars are fought for natural resources. Nobody would dispute that we’re in Iraq for the oil. Which means The Diary of Anne Frank is a nice story, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Hitler was in Holland for the wind. The Spanish invaded the Aztec’s – why? For the sun! Ever heard of a little thing called solar power, bitch? Windmills, what?! The French invaded Mexico in the 1860’s – that’s how we got Cinco de Mayo – but you don’t care – as long as you can get your margarita and your burrito – but what about the natural gas those things bring us? Huh? Think about that.

The only guy who got it was the Jewish guy in the front row. He loved it. I don't mean "Jewish guy" in the Apprentice sense - I know he was Jewish because he was my friend's Dad. (I wasn't just scoring FOF (Father of Friend) points, though. We'd never met.) Now, considering your average American probably doesn't know Ann Frank was Dutch and that Amsterdam is not a country, I guess I can forgive. But this was at a show full of liberals - and man, were they uptight!

4) I hate that the movie about gay cowboys is called “Brokeback Mountain.” I mean – the cowboy thing pushes the gay thing way over the top as it is. Riding stallions – getting saddle sores – why not just call it “Dick in the Ass Hill” for Christ's sake? While you’re at it, Ang Lee, why not make a lesbian cooking show called “Sweet Pussy Pie?” Or a straight home design show called “Nail in Her Hole.” Jesus!

But what I hate even more than the title is the fact that it's pretty obvious this movie was strategically released right around the same time as both "Jarhead" and "Casanova," to make it a-bun-dantly clear that neither Jake nor Heath is actually gay. "Casanova" may be fluff, but it proves its star is not a fluffer. If Rupert Everett and Nathan Lane were in this movie would anyone go see it? Including gay boys? No - because those men are a) actually gay and b) not young and hot. Of course, at least then maybe it'd have a different title. "I Shreked My Best Friend The Producer in The Birdcage," anyone?...

3) I hate the 80’s. I have decided I don’t give a shit about the virtues of jelly bracelets. Who cares about jelly bracelets? We all had them! So? When the world explodes and the aliens look through our shit they’re gonna go, “According to their records – human development peaked from the years 1980-1989. Mental acuity skyrocketed with the invention of the Rubik’s Cube and digital agility soared with the creation of the "video game." Humans used their cerebral cortex’s to make a runaway gorilla hurl barrels at a small Italian carpenter. This game, called “Donkey Kong,” is clearly an analogy about the Darwinian struggle to survive. Other games that promulgated survival of the fittest theory include Frogger, in which a cartoon frog must try and cross the road without being run over by a car and ironically enough, Space Invaders. Based on their television programmes, we know they worshipped all things made of plastic: something called the moon boot, the jelly shoe and Jessica Simpson.”

2) Speaking of Jessica Simpson, I hate it when female celebrities feel like they have to sell out and pimp a skincare line. Susan Lucci, Victoria Principal, Vanessa Williams – you don’t need tell everybody about your zits, Vanessa – no one would be able to see them with all that glare comin’ off your teeth! Now, I bring this up because I found a bottle of lotion on my mom’s bathroom shelf that said, “Meredith Baxter Signature Collection.” First of all – what happened to the Birney? Or did she cut those Family Ties? (HEY-OH!) Second of all – you don’t see men doin' that shit. There’s no Burt Reynolds Mustache Care Kit. There’s no Telly Savalas Haircare system! A) because he had no hair and b) because he’s dead – but even if he was alive he’d be suckin’ on his lollipop bald as a brazilian lady – with no haircare system in sight, goin', "You broads are retarded." Whatever happens, I don’t wanna be Joan Rivers selling bee pins on QVC – I wanna do something useful like invent a grill that takes the fat out of meat. Cuz that is the kind of shit that men invent. Shit that really can make you more beautiful. Thank you, George.

1) I hate that I’m always comparing myself to other people. I’ve finally decided to just be okay with the fact that I'm still great even if I’ve never heard a song by The Doves and don't own a pair of fingerless gloves. (But she sure can rhyme!) See, I’m just not a hipster – I’m a hip-hopster. And I love it. So, in celebration of that, I thought I’d end this super-long post with a little song I wrote about self-acceptance, inspired by the Queen of Self Love, Mz. Jennifer Lopez. It's called “Carolyn from Oswego.” And it goes a little something’ like this:

Don't be fooled by my K-Mart clothes,

I'm still Carolyn from Oswego.

That's a small town that nobody knows,

but my place is cool as J. Lo's.

I'm keepin' it real, like a girl from Upstate,

when dinner is served, you bet your ass I clean my plate!

I may not be skinny, but winters there are cold,

you need someone with rump that you can kiss and hold.

My booty's for real man, I got it from my mom,

it looked so good in that dress that I wore to the prom.

All the boys said so, they showered me with ice -

cubes down my dress, I did not think that was nice!

But that's okay, G, at least they're keepin' it real,

they don't try to buy me rocks, they just try to cop a feel.

You talk about real life, but I say come on?!

You're shoppin' at the boutiques while I'm shoppin' at the lawn

sales of my nieghbors, where shit costs a dime.

Can you feel the flavor? Can you even rhyme?

So listen, J. Lo, Upstate is where it's at!

The girls may not be thin, but they're really really phat!

P-H-A-T, this is how my song goes,

cuz I'm just a girl from Upstate New York - Oswego!