Shut the expletive up.

A friend sent me an article about (what else?) women in comedy from the Washington Post. (Apparently they just read last year's issues of the Times and thought, "Oh? We can report on comedy? Who wants a free pass out of Iraq?!") We go from bombs to bombing. I love the media.

Anyway - may I just say, for the record:

I AM SO EXPLETIVE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT "WOMEN IN COMEDY."

There. I said it.

I mean, just because I run an all-girl show doesn't mean you have to send me every expletive newspaper clipping you come across about a chick on the mic. Yes, I'm sure Sarah took a pee today. Yes, I'm so glad Joan got another face lift. Thank God Maria Bamford isn't afraid to admit she's a woman in a world of men. Yes! That's wonderful! Thank you! But we all know there are fewer women in comedy, we all know the comedic culture is male-dominated, we all know women have a harder time succeeding. And do you wanna know why? Because of this juicy little piece of hypocrisy right here:

Lampanelli says fewer women succeed at comedy these days because of their material. She faults other women for staying with safe and predictable subject matter: shopping, PMS and "their Coach bag collection."

"I push the envelope all the time," Lampanelli says. "Most guys can't get away with what I do. I get away with it because people like me. I'm lovable. I'm not angry. Well, we should push it. We're not senators. We're comics."

Ah, that crude thing again. Yes, men love it, Lampanelli says: "Men respond to my kind of comedy." In true Lampanelli fashion, she adds, "If a guy wants to hear a yapping bitch, he'll just stay home with his wife."

Because someone as famous as LL can, a) say that she speaks for all women b) insinuate that women are "still" talking about PMS? WHO THE EXPLETIVE talks about PMS on stage???????? Who?! You find me a female comic (in New York at least) that talks about G.D. PMS on stage and I will french kiss you on the spot whether either one of us likes it or not. And c) then, in the same impossible breath, says, "If a guy wants to hear a yapping bitch, he'll just stay home with his wife."

Stop the presses.

Stop the seven expletives presses.

How can you, in one turn of phrase, suggest that women are hacks and deliver nothing but stereotypes on stage and then turn around and call the generic "wife" type a yapping bitch? Lisa, you stand on stage for an hour and drop the n-bomb 8,000 times. Doesn't that make you exactly that?! I'm not tryin' to dis you, woman, because I did a set right before you at the Strip and I watched you for an hour make people laugh and work your ass off so much so that you had mascara running down your face. You're good at what you do. But there's no denying that what you do is a style and that just because it works for you and people like it doesn't mean that a) everyone else should be like you or b) that all audiences appreciate racial slurs as comedy. (Just ask Mr. Richards.) And it's not that I don't get it - I get it - you make fun to unite people. I get it. It's cool. But don't expletive act like a tome of wisdom when it comes to "women in comedy" when obviously you see us all as bitches and cunts. Even if only a little bit. There's truth in every joke, my love. I wonder if your audience ever thinks about that.

I'm sorry - I'm not trying to have beef with LL. I'm really not. Who am I? No one. I understand that. But I'm just saying, the best thing "women in comedy" can do for "women in comedy" is not propagate this absolutely dead image of shoulder pads and period jokes. Why try and make yourself look good at other people's expense?

And so what if there are people out there that do that stuff? Let that be their "problem." Not ALL of ours. There are just as many men who talk about balls as there are women who talk about vag. Let's get over this! Some people get away with talking about vag and balls and some people are considered hacks when they do it. Why? Delivery, presence, creativity, likability, the list goes on. Comedy is subjective, some people are better at it than others. Case closed.

When people don't want to hear "female" topics on stage - whatever those may be - that's just another way of silencing women in our culture. Is marriage a female topic? No. Jim Gaffigan is married. Louis CK is married. Chris Rock is married. Brian Posehn is married. Is dating a female topic? No. Zach Galifianakis talks about having a broken heart on stage. Are children (gulp!) a female topic? Ah, let's hope not, considering that most of the married male comics I mentioned not only have kids but talk about them in their acts. So what the expletive is it then, huh? Is it that our pathetically sad little American culture still just wants our "yapping bitches" to shut the expletive up?

I guess so.

Or not. Is it just THE MEDIA who enjoys rubbing this issue in our faces, day in and day out? Are "women in comedy" the new propaganda issue? Are we now supposed to believe not only that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, but that women telling expletive JOKES for ten minutes will give the children cancer?

I just don't want to hear about it anymore.

If publications like the New York Times, the Washington Post and Vanity Fair have nothing else to report about (because God knows "women in comedy" is the last pitch idea to be picked up. "Uh, did we already do the article about whether or not goldfish sleep with their eyes open?" "Yeah." "Okay, female comics it is, then.") so be it. Let's not educate the 'Merican idiots about how they're getting screwed on healthcare or why this war is a sham. Let's just reinforce what they already think about "women in comedy." I mean, why would you actually go to a comedy club (or God forbid a seedy bar in a "downtown" location) to see what women are ACTUALLY doing on stage? Why not just read about it in the paper? Or have it sent to you by a friend online.

I'm sure my friend had nothing but good intentions when she sent me this article. But I'm done. I'm done reading about "women in comedy" because I don't have to. I'm out in New York every night of the week seeing women in comedy in different types of venues. We're all people. People. You know what unites "women in comedy?" The fact that even though we have pussies, none of us are.