Home for the Holidays

Who doesn't love family photos, am I right???

CHRISTMAS EVE



My mother makes a wonderful Santa; she got me a yoga mat (that I used for the first time tonight) and Adriana a Disney Princess tent. Adriana was (needless to say) thrilled with her tent and ran around the house shouting, "IloveitIloveitIloveitIloveitIloveit!" I got Adriana the "Cinderella dress" (as she called it) that you see her pictured in, above. Here's a brief, hilarious video of her opening it, along with my mother's commentary:

Christmas Eve 2009 from CarolynCastiglia on Vimeo.

My dear friend April used to say to me that she would never tell her children that Santa existed because she thought it was a cruel lie; that the pain of discovering the truth isn't worth the magic of the initial belief. Sure, that's a rational way of thinking, but I don't know: there's something really wonderful about putting treats out knowing that when they're gone in the morning your 4-year-old is going to yell, "Look! Santa left a note! And he ate all the cookies!" I took extra care in wrapping Adriana's presents this year, covering them in complimentary paper, as if Santa always works within a color scheme. It felt like important work, and was really fun, too.

CHRISTMAS DAY



Ah, the pictures of Christmas morning, full of rumpled pajamas and bed-head. Adriana got everything she wanted, which was easy given that she's not a very greedy child and only asked for one thing - the Mulan doll you see her with. It was the first present she opened. She also got clothes, pajamas, some jewels and makeup (read: chapstick), several books, a mini Kitt Kittredge American Girl doll and a child-sized papasan chair that matches her Princess tent.

I got three bows.


Click to see a larger version.

The rest of the family arrived at noon, including Adriana's father. We were able to spend a peaceful Christmas together, in large part thanks to my mother, who kept everyone's mouths full of such delicious food. You can't say mean, terrible things with your mouth full!


Yes, our meal was completely free of vegetables. Sorry, vegans. (And arteries.)

We decided at Thanksgiving to have a Mexican Fiesta for Christmas. I thought it was time we do something different and fun for the kids (read: me). I initially suggested we could have Chinese food and go to the movies like the Jews, but somehow that idea was passed over. (Get it? Passover? Huh?!) 2010 in Jerusalem! But 2009 was all about "Texitaliano," as my niece took to calling it.

My mother made BBQ'd pulled pork (using sauce from Dinosaur BBQ, with stores in two towns close to my heart, Syracuse and Harlem), some kind of cheesy potato bake, I made my famous taco dip, my sister made her famous gnocchi ("Because Mexicans eat pasta, too.") and my brother made meatballs and cannoli. (As in, "Leave the guns, take the cannoli." So true.) Other dessert items included my mother's homemade cheesecake and a Dora pinata filled with chocolates. We even had our own podunk version of sangria: ginger ale and cranberry juice with orange slices, plus a shot of pinot-G for the adults. But the piece-de-resistance were the blue cheese walnut quesadillas with peach salsa. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved them. And because I love you, here is the recipe, courtesy of good old Betty Crocker. (Here's a tip: let Paul Newman make the salsa.)



My family is filled with a lot of amazing women, including my daughter, and despite the fact that my brother, my sister's boyfriend and my ex were around, a male presence was notably absent. This is the second Christmas we've spent without my Dad, and although this year was much easier than last, things still aren't the same. And that's the point, of course. Holidays were my Dad's milieu; a large gathering of people allowed him to hold court, his booming voice bellowing tall tales. (I can just hear him now. "What the hell does milieu mean? You're friggin' nuts, kid. God damn educated idiots!")

He was never wrong.

Looking over these pictures, I can't help but notice that everyone is dressed in muted colors. Even the pinks are pale. It's a funny coincidence that I'm wearing black and blue, both because the holidays without my Dad are more sober and somber than they were, and because the past year or two (or three) have beaten me up a bit. But I'm wearing my battle scars well. A new haircut, some makeup and new jewelry and it's as if nothing happened. As if.



"But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Hey, ladies!

Here are few things I find exciting in the world of "Women in Comedy."

Thanks to my friend Erin "Gigglechick" Bennett, web designer to the comedy stars, I discovered that Maria Bamford has dedicated an entire page of her web presence to "Funny Women Who Are Comedians." Further proof of her awesomeness. As if that wasn't already made abundantly clear by the fact that she created a free, downloadable Christmas special for her fans that you can watch here on Punchline Magazine's Vimeo channel. (I'm gonna watch today! Yay!) Thank you to Dylan Gadino for knowing that some of us have computers powered by hamsters held together with duct tape (yes, I taped the hamsters) and are thus unable to do things like "download."

In other news, Anjelah Johnson's one-hour special, "That's How We Do It," aired last night on Comedy Central.



Again, Punchline Magazine has the scoop here with this interview by Emma Kat Richardson wherein she asked Anjelah where she sees herself fitting in with the larger picture of the current comedy landscape. Anjelah's response:

Where do I see myself fitting in? I think I’ve actually managed to pave my own way into doing things totally differently, so I don’t know how exactly I fit in, or maybe it’s something totally different. Especially with the age of YouTube and things like that, people are doing things different nowadays, as opposed to these big headliners who have been doing this for years; they’ve really just been touring forever, doing comedy clubs and colleges and things like that, and working their way up to this headlining place.

Whereas myself, I’ve only been doing comedy for five years, and I have my one-hour special coming out soon, and that’s something I couldn’t have have planned or dreamed of on my own, but it’s the way that things are working out for me. It’s the cards that I’ve been dealt. So, I don’t know exactly how I fit in to this mold that’s already there, or maybe it’s something new. I don’t know.

I think she brings up an essential truth here about the business of show: most of us will not be able to follow some kind of pre-determined path to success. Entertainment is not like law or medicine, not only because it's not nearly as respectable, but also because there are not logical steps one can take or tests one can pass that legitimize a career. I can think of several great examples of people who've struck out on their own, circumventing the "system" and ultimately ending up in the center of it as a result.

My friend Victor Varnado's film "The Awkward Kings" will air on Comedy Central in February. He didn't wait for Viacom execs to approach him; he gathered the equipment, a handful of great comedians (Eric Andre, Hannibal Buress, Marina Franklin and Baron Vaughn) and made a movie. We've heard this story before, with the likes of Juno and Once. But now comedians are proving indie moxie can work outside of Hollywood, too.

There are always excuses readily available about why a career can't work and why it's too hard to live your dreams, but in the end, persevering despite those challenges will be the only thing that sets the men apart from the mice, the women apart from the worms.

Merry Christmas, Baby Jesus!

Christmas, as we all know, is a time for family. A time for joy and peace and glad tidings. A time to talk to your 12-year-old niece about the birds and the bees in the middle of her mother's birthday party, and a time for your own mother to finally drop the N-bomb in front of your pre-schooler. Yes, Baby Jesus, Happy Birthday to you from the Castiglia Famiglia!



Sustain, a play in one very awkward act.

Carolyn, a fresh-faced young mother with a brilliant new haircut and ample cleavage, sits talking to her niece about school: So is homeroom shorter than the rest of your classes?

Gabriela, a seventh-grader, eating ice cream cake: Our homeroom is basically just "Silent Sustained Reading." I don't even know what sustained means. I don't understand all these big words.

Carolyn: Well, what do you think it means based on the context clues?

Gabriela: I don't know.

Carolyn: It means prolonged. Continuous. Like if you hold out a note, you sustain it. Or if you lift something up in the air, you sustain it.

Mikie, Gabriela's ruggedly-handsome, charmingly bald uncle: No, that's suspend.

Carolyn: Right. Suspend. But you can also use sustain to mean fortify. Something that gives you sustenance.

Mikie: Sustain. It's the opposite of abstain. Do you know what that means?

Gabriela: No.

Mikie: Well, you better learn it.

Carolyn: I know it's awkward to be the only teenager in a family of people willing to talk to you about sex at a birthday party, but you really should wait until you're at least 16. I mean, if you can drive, you can use a stick shift, if you know what I'm sayin', and I hope you don't.

Mikie: I say 18. You should be able to vote before you can pull that lever.

Carolyn: And when you are old enough and in a stable, committed, loving relationship with someone, and you want to have sex, what should you do?

Mikie: Consult a physician.

Carolyn: Use protection.

Gabriela: Did you just say adult supervision?

Carolyn: Well, at least she knows that big word.

***

The Widow and The Divorcee, Ep. 856. "The N Word: I'm Not Dead Yet! A Christmas Meditation."

The Widow: Adriana. It's. Time. To. Get. Dressed.

The Baby: I heard. Every word. You said.

The Widow: Don't treat me like your nigger slave.

The Divorcee: Darling, if you ever say that word again, I will slap you across the face. (The Widow makes the expression of a proper Antebellum Lady in shock.) You know how I feel about that. She has never heard that word before in her life, let's not start on Christmas Eve.

The Widow: Wow. There's nothing wrong with that expression.

The Divorcee: Yes there is! Come on.

The Widow: It doesn't exist anymore. That's a terrible thing. That's all I'm sayin'. Don't treat me like a terrible thing.

The Divorcee: Like this conversation?

Fin

Relationshit

Adriana stands next to my bed, grunting and squishing up her face as if trying to stop a flood with a pebble. She simply refuses to go poop. On the toilet. But she seems all too willing to soil every pair of underwear she owns.

"Let it out, babe. Your body wants you to let it out."

It never helps to reason with a child, but it's a lot better than getting mad, especially first thing in the morning.

"But I don't want to let it out!" She has a way of squealing that makes me understand why people shudder when they hear fingernails on a chalkboard. And yet, I can relate. How many times in the past ten years have I ignored everything my body was telling me in favor of making it do what I wanted to do? How many times did my ego take control and lead me down a thorny path while my gut was grumbling at me that it knew better?

Going poop is really a lot like being in love. It can be both thrilling and awful, delightful and difficult. There isn't a person on the planet who doesn't adore taking one of those great dumps that makes you feel like you've lost 5 pounds, just as everyone knows the horror of having to lock yourself in the bathroom and essentially cry out your butt. It's not pretty - but it's a learning experience. Slamming tacos covered in hot sauce at 4 in the morning after a night of boozy-woozing seems so right, but is usually wrong.

So how can I fault my little four-year-old for not wanting to experience the pain she fears is coming if she just lets go? Life is messy at times, and our urge to try to control things, to keep them tidy, makes a lot of sense. That is until you realize that all that pressure will eventually lead to an explosion of biblical proportions, whether that means a divorce or in Adriana's case, the insertion of a child-sized enema into her rectum. (Getting divorced pretty much feels like having something shoved up your butt designed to completely empty-out your insides, which means the gays are totally ready for marriage.)

I recently was sent a reminder that just because things can be doesn't necessarily mean they should be. This is a lesson that for 30 years I have quite obstinately avoided learning, and yet one that I expect my daughter to embrace at age four. For her it's about understanding that just because you can stockpile your poo til it hits your esophagus doesn't mean that you should, and for me, it's about accepting that just because you have a few things in common with a person and think that they're cute, it doesn't always follow that something will happen, especially if they are unavailable. (Eek! But being unavailable is so enticing! Because it gives me a chance to see if I am in fact charming enough to make you want to be available. What's that I smell? Disaster pie burning in the oven of reason? Um, yeah.)

I was talking to my friend Asie about relationships (at 4 in the morning after slamming tacos covered in hot sauce) and she said, "As I learn more and more about myself, I just keep meeting better versions of the same retard." That statement is not only hilarious, but also brilliantly true. I mean, biologically, we are wired to be attracted to a certain type of person. So I'm not surprised I liked Mr. No Chance, because he fits all the prerequisites. But I am surprised that I am, in a moment of - what's it called? Adulthood? - allowing myself to just let it go, so that I can meet a better, entirely available version of the same retard.

And so, eventually, my baby too will learn that she has to just let go and not be so darn, well, anal. It may be hard for her, because unfortunately she's just wired that way. But I know she'll learn to overcome her stubbornness, because she's wired to do that, too.

Ars Nova Holiday Party, "Lemme See" Shoot and Our Hit Parade!

As pre-Holiday weeks go, last week was an awesome one. On December 12th, I got to perform with Shockwave and Soce at the Ars Nova Cast Party. Ars Nova is one of my favorite places in the entire world, and working with them this year has been a thrill and a delight. Here's a collage of some fun pics I took that night:



The next day, Soce, Shawn Hollenbach, Anya Garrett and I shot my next hip-hop symphonic funny timez video jam, "Lemme See," which will have its WORLD PREMIERE at my new monthly comedy event Splurge! at Happy Ending.



Post-shoot glow!



And finally, Wednesday night, December 16th, I had the tremendous fortune to be a part of what TimeOut New York just called the best cabaret show in the city, Our Hit Parade. This was my second time doing the show, and it was incredible. Joe's Pub is a spectacular place, and Bridget Everett, Kenny Mellman and Neal Medlyn curate and perform the shit out of it.

Without further ado, here's my rendition of 2007's Timbaland/One Republic hit, "Apologize," with Shockwave on mouth drums and Kenny Mellman on piano. The lyrics to the rap are by Lil Wayne and Bun B and come from this excellent remix I found on YouTube. Enjoy!



I used to belt this song at the top of my lungs in the car as I drove from the little house we rented in Western New York to the virtually empty room I kept in Weehawken. I agreed to commute to New York from the town my ex works in as a way to save money, since we didn't have any left after the scandal broke and we liquidated the 401K to pay it back. (Ask me how I married a man that didn't live in the same city as me and I'll tell you: it's a long story.) Those of you that saw my solo show know that Harlem was my life, and to be forced to leave it in such an abrupt way was a rude awakening to me. I didn't know how to handle it, so I trudged on as best I could. I'm so thankful that God was listening all those times I cried out in my car, begging for help. It was a thrill and a joy to be able to sing this on the other side of the mountain, after the storm, and in front of such a killer crowd. Special thanks to Nichelle Stephens, Heidi Schmid and Kristen Elde for being there!

Oh hai!

Oh! Hey there! It's you! The Internet. So nice to see you! You look thinner. I do, too? Well, thanks for noticing. I did tone up a bit, after finishing my 45for45 Challenge. No, I didn't really blog about it because I got super busy. Yeah! I've been up to lots of stuff, including continuing my yoga practice. (Amen.)

Let's see... where to begin? Well, the last time we talked was November 3rd. But there was some stuff that happened before that I wanted to tell you about. So maybe I should treat this as a 4th quarter recap, via photos, natch. A mix of the personal and professional, like my life.

October 12, 2009
Adriana's 4th Birthday
Party Central, USA

(Yes, that is a shout-out to the sketch group of the same name.)

My darling daughter is 4 years old! Isn't she lovely?



October 15, 2009
Guest-hosting for Rachel Kramer Bussel
In the Flesh at Happy Ending



Here's a cute pic of me and some of my favorite comedy peeps, from L to R: Shayna Ferm, Me, Marty Beckerman, Shawn Hollenbach, Margot Leitman, Dan Hirshon, Mindy Raf, Megan Carpentier. "In the Flesh" is an erotic reading series, so in RKB's absence, everyone told funny, sexy stories or sexy, funny stories. It was such a blast. You can check the footage on YouTube here. And here's Shayna Ferm and I closing out the show with a freestyle duet!



Mad love for the fans at Table One, pictured here with Margot and I.

October 17, 2009
How To Be Post-Racial
at Bowery Poetry Club

I took some fabulous pictures of my dear friend Elon James White's show featuring my pals Sara Benincasa, Lizz Winstead, Adrienne Iapalucci, Hassan Madry with special guest Margaret Cho, but they're all on his Facebook account. Instead, I offer you this photo of Maragret and I taken with my camera:



Hero. I saw Margaret at The Apollo a few years back with my Chicks and Giggles co-producer Nichelle Stephens, but there's nothing like seeing a comic you love in an intimate room. Margaret was super funny and lovely.

Sunday, October 18
Out of the Darkness Walk
Chelsea

On Sunday, October 18th I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness walk in honor of my grandparents. I can still take donations until December 31, so if you'd care to do some holiday giving to an important and under served charity, feel free to contribute $5, $10 or $20 here.



Wet, but happy.



I saw several inspiring people that day, but none so much as the parents with their adorably quirky teen daughter who was walking in honor of having survived her own suicide attempt. There was something truly remarkable about this young girl, braces on her teeth, rainbows all over her clothes, that reminded me about how simultaneously fragile and strong we all are. I think comedy, despite the fact that it often (and sometimes cruelly) makes fun of weakness, is really the essence of strength and fragility combined. It asks you to bear your vulnerability in a fierce way. Tragedy plus time...

October is a lovely month in NYC, and I took some fun arty shots as I walked the streets, too.



1. Houston Street, 2. Canal Street Birds, 3. 5th Street Lizards, 4. Canal Street Bubbles



1. Sunshine, 2. 5th Street Pony, 3. 5th Street Satan, 4. Thai Offering

October 31
Halloween





My little kitty and I made some delicious cupcakes in celebration of the spookiest time of the year. Here's some video footage for Shockwave, who is her biggest fan.



November 8, 2009



Taken on the Lower East Side, after recording my upcoming video release "Lemme See" with Shawn Hollenbach and Soce the Elemental Wizard. I also had the pleasure of performing at the second "Mommy Needs a Cocktail" event, presented by Momasphere. I've met a lot of great women at the first two events, including Faye Rogaski of Social Sklz, a program that teaches these kidz today how to improve their face-to-face communication and manners.

November 14, 2009

Shot DAMN (You Wish) with Tom McCaffrey, Mara Herron, directed/edited by Anya Garrett. Video released November 25, 2009. YouTube chose it as the Comedy Spotlight and it was the number one comedy video in 22 countries on December 3, 2009. In case you haven't seen it, please enjoy it here. Or on the Montreal Comedy Festival's Just for Laughs channel here.

November 25, 2009
...was also...
Thanksgiving Day





Two of my faves from our familial celebration. I have the cutest turkey tot on the block.

December 4, 2009
BEATdown at UCB
Champ.



I beat Chaz Kangas (pictured above in the blue tee), a 23-year-old upstart from NYU who makes a very formidable competitor. Go here and download his 2009 Christmas Rap Megamix for free!

***

I think I'll end my recap here. I'll hit you with another post including pics from the Ars Nova Holiday Party, Our Hit Parade and the "Lemme See" shoot. Video premieres at Splurge! at Happy Ending, January 8th at 8 pm. See you there!

XO,
ckc