Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Open Letter to Abby Cadabby

Dear Abby,

It's taken me a while to write to you, because I don't want to be a hater. I've tried to reserve judgment on you, even though I can't stand your "Flying Fairy School" segment on Sesame Street. I love Sesame Street, and I just don't think you belong there, Abby. I'm not the only one.

I don't know who you think you are, but I resent you teaching my daughter that she can "solve a problem with a single Twinkle Think." You cannot solve problems with Twinkle Thinks. Twinkle Thinks are not real. And don't even begin to tell me Muppets aren't real, Abby. You're gonna have to suspend your disbelief here for a second if we're gonna have this conversation.

If you're so proud of being able to solve problems in a single Twinkle Think, you annoying pink blunder, then why haven't you solved world hunger yet? Why are you so selfish, Abby Cadabby? Sure, you may have turned Blogg (Really? Your friend is named Blogg? Don't you think he has an Internet addiction? Why not solve that with a single Twinkle Think?)... anyway... you may have turned Blogg back into a whatever-he-is, but you haven't cured AIDS, now have you? Where were you when my Dad died of cancer, Abby? Huh? Maybe you should stop acting so god-damned high and mighty, with your little pink wings and your little glittery wand and your TWINKLE THINKS and DO something with your power! Stop being so oblivious to the world around you. I know you're only a baby fairy, but seriously - if you want to live long enough to grow up, you might want to (twinkle) think about global warming. Maybe fix the BP spill. Find me a boyfriend. Something!

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to change the channel during your segment, Abby. At this point, I'd rather listen to Dora's squeaky wail than your childish smoker's voice. Ya might wanna cut it down to a pack-a-day, kid. Or get yourself checked for nodes or something. You sound like a fairy who's been around the block, if you know what I mean. Were you gone again with Gonnigan? You know he has other girls, right? Oh sure - they love that whole moody, depressive thing he's got goin' for him. That he just suddenly disappears, then reappears. Chicks go nuts for that shit. (Literally - I heard he's dating one of the chickens who did backup dancing for Feist the day she was on the show.)

Chew on that, Abby. And hey - good luck.