Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Open Letter to Abby Cadabby

Dear Abby,


It's taken me a while to write to you, because I don't want to be a hater. I've tried to reserve judgment on you, even though I can't stand your "Flying Fairy School" segment on Sesame Street. I love Sesame Street, and I just don't think you belong there, Abby. I'm not the only one.

I don't know who you think you are, but I resent you teaching my daughter that she can "solve a problem with a single Twinkle Think." You cannot solve problems with Twinkle Thinks. Twinkle Thinks are not real. And don't even begin to tell me Muppets aren't real, Abby. You're gonna have to suspend your disbelief here for a second if we're gonna have this conversation.

If you're so proud of being able to solve problems in a single Twinkle Think, you annoying pink blunder, then why haven't you solved world hunger yet? Why are you so selfish, Abby Cadabby? Sure, you may have turned Blogg (Really? Your friend is named Blogg? Don't you think he has an Internet addiction? Why not solve that with a single Twinkle Think?)... anyway... you may have turned Blogg back into a whatever-he-is, but you haven't cured AIDS, now have you? Where were you when my Dad died of cancer, Abby? Huh? Maybe you should stop acting so god-damned high and mighty, with your little pink wings and your little glittery wand and your TWINKLE THINKS and DO something with your power! Stop being so oblivious to the world around you. I know you're only a baby fairy, but seriously - if you want to live long enough to grow up, you might want to (twinkle) think about global warming. Maybe fix the BP spill. Find me a boyfriend. Something!

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to change the channel during your segment, Abby. At this point, I'd rather listen to Dora's squeaky wail than your childish smoker's voice. Ya might wanna cut it down to a pack-a-day, kid. Or get yourself checked for nodes or something. You sound like a fairy who's been around the block, if you know what I mean. Were you gone again with Gonnigan? You know he has other girls, right? Oh sure - they love that whole moody, depressive thing he's got goin' for him. That he just suddenly disappears, then reappears. Chicks go nuts for that shit. (Literally - I heard he's dating one of the chickens who did backup dancing for Feist the day she was on the show.)


Chew on that, Abby. And hey - good luck.

Love,
Carolyn

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I share your loathing of Abby Cadabby and was forced to stop airing Sesame Street in our house when she got her own daily segment. Ugh.

Carolyn said...

Ha! Really? How did that go over with the kids?

Anonymous said...

Her favorites are (happily) Oscar and Cookie Monster, so we can find a lot of clips online.

Tommy Galan said...

Hilarious!

Abbi Crutchfield said...

What the--? I am PRO Abbis anywhere, no matter how you spell it. Your ignorance astounds me! How could you--oh, sorry. I clicked your link to the 200 hate-comments from your old post and sort of got that in my system.

Maybe Twinkle Thinks are to promote the power of suggestion, hope and positivity. And consumerism for muppet paraphernalia.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Twinkle thinks can suck it!! Kinda like Abby... I don't care if she's just a character, but to have her own segment?! They really went too far.

Anonymous said...

you guys are mean! not to me but to kids abby is just a character that every kid i know loves! so back off!
p.s that is not my opinion this is my job! hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

oh and by the way i think this is a great topic!!!!!!!